October 27, 2006

Santa Clara Voter's Guide 2006 by Burbed

It’s election season again! And once again, California is full of propositions. Are there any that will cause us to screw/reward ourselves over as much as Prop 13 did? They’re pretty complicated… so to help, here is the first ever Burbed Voter’s Guide!

Measure ALand Use Initiative

  • Vote Yes: If you want to keep home prices up. This will preserve those boring hillsides (“great mountain views”), reduce the amount of land available (“They’re not making any more land”) and keep the Bay Area “special”.
  • Vote No: If you want home prices to drop and for every square inch of every hillside to be covered with a McMansion/Walmart/Best Buy/Petco. And, if your title has the word REALTOR(R) in it.

Prop 1ATransportation Funding Protection

  • Vote Yes: If you want better roads and worse schools and public schools in bad times. Fortunately, you don’t have any kids in school anymore, and you just refi’ed the house you bought in 1977 to buy a Corvette and a Harley. The priorities are obvious.
  • Vote No: If you want better schools and public schools in bad times, and continued awful roads. Unfortunately, you bought into your neighborhood thinking it would become the next Atherton – and, well, let’s just say that you’re not going Trick-or-Treating this year again. In bad times, do you really want the police to disappear?

Prop 1B: Highway Safety, Traffic Reduction, Air Quality, and Port Security

  • Vote Yes: If you want better roads, less congestion, more security. Oh, and if you want you and your kids to be saddled with $40 billion of debt for the next 30 years.
  • Vote No: You’re thinking of retiring to Florida in a few years – forget it. Why risk having to some extra money for something you’re not going to enjoy.

Prop 1C: Housing and Emergency Shelter Trust Fund Act of 2006

  • Vote Yes: The state is going to help people buy homes! That’s great since you were planning to sell yours! More money chasing after homes! Jackpot!
  • Vote No: If you hate veterans, battered women, and poor people. Or weren’t planning to sell your home, but now may have to pay more in taxes.

Prop 1D: Kindergarten-University Public Education Facilities

  • Vote Yes: Your area has terrible schools and is having a tough time attracting buyers. Maybe you can win over some of those people who insist on only buying in Cupertino!
  • Vote No: Why should I help kindergarteners? What have they done for me lately? Get off my lawn!

Prop 1E: Disaster Preparedness and Flood Prevention

  • Vote Yes: Progress on your ark hasn’t gone as well as thought it would.
  • Vote No: Your REALTOR(T) swore to you that the house you bought is in a disaster and flood free zone. In the event of a disaster and/or flood, your house will be the only one standing! That means your home’s value will skyrocket!

Prop 83: Sex Offenders. Sexually Violent Predators. Punishment, Residence Restrictions and Monitoring

  • Vote Yes: Your firm makes monitoring devices and is about to IPO. Finally, that starter house is in your sights!
  • Vote No: Your REALTOR(T) swore to you that the house you bought is in a sex offender free zone. (Also, you heard from your friends in other states that this doesn’t actually accomplish anything.)

Prop 84: Water Quality, Safety and Supply. Flood Control. Natural Resource Protection. Park Improvements

  • Vote Yes: After paying your mortgage each month, you can’t afford to buy a Brita filter from Costco. Back to drinking tap it is. :(
  • Vote No: You’re planning to sell your house next year anyway. Since you bought it in 1977 for $52k, you can extract $800k to buy a lifetime of Voss. Why pay more for everyone else?

Prop 85: Waiting Period and Parental Notification Before Termination of Minor’s Pregnancy

  • Vote Yes: Abortions are bad – fewer babies mean fewer people who need homes! Who is going to rent your investment property? Who is going to buy your house when you’re ready to retire?
  • Vote No: You’re currently renting office space to Planned Parenthood.

Prop 86: Tax on Cigarettes

  • Vote Yes: You’re tired of smokers messing up your rental property and having to hire professional cleaners afterwards.
  • Vote No: Your home’s down payment is currently invested entirely in MO.

Prop 87: Alternative Energy. Research, Production, Incentives. Tax on California Oil Producers

  • Vote Yes: You live next to the water. Or, in the water like in Foster City. Global warming might not be good for you.
  • Vote No: Your home’s down payment is currently invested entirely in XOM. Plus, you really hate Al Gore.

Prop 88: Education Funding. Real Property Parcel Tax
See 1D

Prop 89: Political Campaigns. Public Financing. Corporate Tax Increase. Campaign Contribution and Expenditure Limits
Sorry – this one is so boring that I can’t find anything funny to say about it.

Prop 90: Government Acquisition, Regulation of Private Property

  • Vote Yes: They can take my home out of my cold dead hands! Also, as a homeowner, I want to start suing the city randomly and get lots of settlements. Woot!
  • Vote No: If you’re sane.
Click here to post a comment -- Posted by: burbed @ 5:29 am

No Responses to “Santa Clara Voter's Guide 2006 by Burbed”

  1. moniker Says:

    damn, I just mailed my absentee ballot. I wish I’d read this first. Hilarious! Thanks

  2. Bess River Says:

    This is amazingly bad. I printed it so I could use it to figure out how to vote ~ just vote the opposite you recommend.

    I shared it with my liberal friends and even they agreed.
    This is embarassing and hurts our cause,

    Bess

  3. burbed Says:

    Burbed.com is neither liberal or conservative. It’s what the title says: an Insanity Blog


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