January 23, 2011

We’re Number Eight! We’re Number Eight!

And we’re number eight within… number twelve?

The world’s fastest Internet access—who’s got it?

Fortune/CNNMoney Posted by Scott Woolley January 23, 2011 6:00 AM

New research ranks the countries with the fastest Internet connections, and all 50 U.S. states too.

The speed at which people around the world connect to the Internet is climbing at a 14% annual clip and now averages nearly 2 megabits per second, according Akamai’s "State of the Internet" report that is due out tomorrow. There remain huge variations around that average speed. South Koreans hook into the Internet at 14 megabits a second, seven times the global average, earning them the top spot on Akamai’s list:

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Well, you can head over to the article and see the list for yourself. Nobody really cares if South Korea has better Internet speeds than we do. Do they have sushi? Didn’t think so.  And neither does Hong Kong or Japan!

More important is which states have faster Internet speeds than California. It won’t surprise you that each and every one is there not because of their engineering prowess or sheer high-tech awesomnity, but because THEY CHEATED.

  1. Delaware, 7.1 Mbps. Delaware only exists so all those corporations who are legally persons have a legal birthplace as well. Those fast downloads are just lawsuits flying from one company to another.
  2. Utah, 6.4 Mbps. High speeds realized by the majority of residents spending all their time in church, meaning nothing ever downloaded but the same 6 Warren Miller ski sequences.
  3. District of Columbia, 6.4 Mbps. Since the Federal Government runs on the Secret Government Internets, high speeds easily attained by little traffic but lonely agency workers reloading their Match.com profiles three times for good luck.
  4. Rhode Island, 6.3 Mbps. The state is so small that the rates are meaningless. You can’t measure latency when the border is always within 25 feet of you.
  5. Vermont, 6.2 Mbps. Cows and hippies and hippie ice cream companies. Does anyone there use the Internet besides Ben and Jerry? Didn’t think so.
  6. New Hampshire, 6.1 Mbps. Just as a smile is a frown turned upside-down, The Granite State is just Vermont flipped over. So they have Tea Party Loons instead of Flower Children. Same result: only five people in the whole state ever go online.
  7. Massachusetts, 5.9 Mbps. There may be a few people at MIT who use the Internet but I suspect their influence is greatly exaggerated.

And California is #8 with 5.8 Mbps, but we’re probably the only state that uses the Internet for what it was designed for: ogling real estate.

Comments (7) -- Posted by: madhaus @ 3:14 pm

7 Responses to “We’re Number Eight! We’re Number Eight!”

  1. madhaus Says:

    Yeah, it’s late, it’s poorly formatted, and there’s no pictures. Remember, 90 percent of life is just showing up.

  2. The Gilroy Alex Says:

    It’s generally faster than dial-up, but sometimes it’s MUCH slower. As in, go make some coffee while you wait for Google’s front page to load …. yawn.

    What I’ve seen personally is the increasing irrelevance of the Internet. When there’s no business to be done on it, and all of your friends are losing their jobs, losing their houses, becoming homeless, etc due to the Depression, my emails have literally gone from 100/day to about one a week.

    So the Internet is losing its relevance for commerce. It’s even losing its relevance for socializing, as most of your friends have to be seen in person at the homeless encampment or are with you 24/7 because they’re living with you. What it IS still relevant for is as a pacifier. This is why it’s still being maintained. Gaming, porn, reading weird out of date books on archive dot org. or learning how to play the diatonic harmonica, the greatest time-waster of all time is proving itself to be very useful in eating up the free time of most of us, who have a TON of it these days.

    Those South Koreans probably use it for different things …. a healthy economy or something.

  3. nomadic Says:

    I live in the third world part of the almost-RBA. The fastest Internet speed available is 1 Mbps unless I get a cable modem. Comcast or slow internet: a tough choice.

  4. SEA Says:

    The RBA increased the average to place California in the top 8.

  5. sonarrat Says:

    My connection is 5x the California average.. just like the value of my home! I may not live in the RBA, but I have Real Bay Area Internet.

  6. Tuno Says:

    oh, no, I just checked out archive.org. I am doomed. I am going to gain 500 pounds and my eyes are going to fall out.

    high speed internet in Rhode Island??? hahahaha. I suppose this means that the (overall ancient) population never got dial-up, and so the few people who have any connection have high speed. the tech level in R.I. is pretty much can-string-can, and the gossip fence.

  7. madhaus Says:

    Okay, I fixed this up a little, now that I can finally sit up again. Would you believe the previous version was posted through my mobile phone? Sure looked like it. I’m not going to swear I got California average dataspeed off it either.


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