March 22, 2011

All the Prestige of the Belvedere Name, All the Hookers of a Vallejo Address

burbedguestbloggerVallejo isn’t a place we’ve spent a lot of time in on this site, but that’s about to change.  Despite being not even remotely part of the Real Bay Area (RBA), Vallejo has many fascinating features.

Please welcome Burbed reader sfbubblebuyer to the front page as today’s Guest Blogger, here to educate you about what pleasures await you in beautiful, thriving Vallejo.  Let’s all give sfbubblebuyer a warm, RBA welcome!

imageimageFear not, would be social climbers! That elusive island living on Belvedere might be closer than you think! Or at least the illusion of it! Now you can associate yourself with the name Belvedere while still maintaining easy access to ample hookers! That’s right, a new luxury condominium complex, The Belvedere, has opened and is accepting wild eyed, mouth frothing bids!


You heard right! When people ask where you live, you can smugly smile and say “Belvedere…” with only a small, plaintive, almost suicidal cry from the back of your brain saying “…in Vallejo….”


As an added bonus, you won’t have to worry about pesky cops pulling you over in your fancy sports car! After declaring bankruptcy and laying off a large percentage of their police force, you’d have to be firing rockets out of your microbus at a fleeing DeLorean before the cops take notice.

Never fear, however! You’ll be at the CLASSY end of Vallejo, where you won’t have to smell the cooking oil home owners have been pouring on their fences to keep the prostitutes from leaning against them at all hours of the day. (But to be honest, why would the prostitute object to being pre-lubed?) No, you’ll be near Costco and Kohl’s! A brisk 5 minute walk and you’ll be buying croissants in bulk to decorate your new granite smeared kitchen!


I’m sure it won’t be long before you are living the TRUE Belvedere luxury lifestyle, and the money you save by living in a crime infested hellhole town that embraces the free market in ALL its forms means you can hire this guy:


Comments (16) -- Posted by: madhaus @ 5:05 am

16 Responses to “All the Prestige of the Belvedere Name, All the Hookers of a Vallejo Address”

  1. waiting_for_the_fall Says:

    Someone actually pours cooking oil on a fence to keep people from leaning on it?

  2. sfbubblebuyer Says:

    #1 – Read the hookers link. You can’t make stuff like that up!

  3. nomadic Says:

    Sounds like the good ol’ medieval days when you could boil the oil before dumping it on unwanted visitors.

  4. sfbubblebuyer Says:

    I think you’d want to boil the oil after dumping it on them. For sanitary reasons.

  5. ES Says:

    Excellent work, SFBB! I loved the Back to the Future reference, and the “concrete smeared” bit was solid. I say weekly contributor!

  6. nomadic Says:

    That complex looks a lot like the apartment complex on the corner of El Camino and Mathilda. Oooh, fancy!

  7. madhaus Says:

    Take a look at the photos on the Belvedere website. They’re clearly marketing this place as an “Adult Community” (55 and up) but never come right out and say it.

  8. madhaus Says:

    I’ve updated the article with a much better picture, provided by sfbubblebuyer and unfortunately missed when I put this together. It gives this piece the classiness needed when discussing the “Belvedere lifestyle.”

  9. sfbubblebuyer Says:

    Hey, you had the rocket propelled grenade picture and the Mr. Belvedere picture, which are the most important ones.

    I just realized my article was short on prose and long on photos.

  10. madhaus Says:

    #9, you say that like it’s a bad thing.

  11. The Gilroy Alex Says:

    I went to a ham radio thing up in Sonoma once, and drove up there the night before, well, somehow I got into Vallejo and thought it was Sonoma. Wow, this place sure doesn’t live up to the hype, I thought. I ended up staying in a hotel north of the main part of Vallejo, that was a weird place – it seemed to have a lot of strange, long-term residents staying there for no perceptible purpose. Maybe there’s a VA hospital nearby I didn’t know about. Anyway in the morning I got a look at a map and went on to Sonoma, which is in fact rather nice and not a hooker in sight. Where I could have stayed in the Swiss hotel right on the downtown square for less.

    Weird Al Yankovic’s first song to get radio play was “Belvedere Cruising” look it up! (Yes I’m a Weird Al fan.)

  12. sonarrat Says:

    It’s getting hard to navigate from post to post. I can’t tell where anything begins and ends. It’s all like one long housing nightmare!

  13. BLACK FRIDAY DEALS: Cheapest House in Solano County | Says:

    […] reader.  This is Solano County, home to one of the former capitals of the state.  Yes, break out the cooking oil, because we’re headed for Voluptuous Vallejo! 22 Glenn St, Vallejo, CA 94590 […]

  14. Gregory Says:

    Great piece.

  15. Very Vital Venture Value in Vibrant, Vigilant Vallejo [] Says:

    […] everyone enjoyed yesterday’s Vallejo field trip, because we’re returning to the first California city to declare bankruptcy!  Despite managing […]

  16. Feannie Says:

    Really?!! Be nice after slandering Vallejo? Wow, talk about both sides of the mouth there…..tsk.

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