June 8, 2012

Live-in, remodel to suit, or build anew

Let’s finish up the week with a visit to the wonderful world of Woodside.  Thanks very much to Burbed reader nomadic for this rococo residence that may have you ralphing.

Woodside, CA 94062


120607-kenmore-doorknobBEDS: 3
BATHS: 3.5
SQ. FT.: 3,460
$/SQ. FT.: $491
LOT SIZE: 1.04 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Ranch
VIEW: Mountains
COMMUNITY: Woodside Hills
120607-kenmore-libraryCOUNTY: San Mateo
MLS#: 81218775
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 21 days

Enjoy this spacious, single-level, View Contemporary features 3 Bedrooms, 3.5 Bath plus formal Library/Study, on a quiet, private cul-du-sac in the highly sought-after Woodside Hills community. Live-in, remodel to suit, or build anew to take advantage of this huge 1.04 * acre lot with sweeping western hill views. The home at its prime was featured in Architectural Digest and Gentry Magazine.

120607-kenmore-too-much-furnitureThat first sentence doesn’t scan at all.  It starts off telling you to enjoy the house but gets lost in panting over the features.  Just because you’re spending over a million on a house doesn’t mean you should expect a realtard capable of proofing his own copy.  Anyway, here’s why nomadic sent this property in:

This house isn’t that bad, but a phrase in the 120607-kenmore-laundrycopy is amusing: “the home at its prime was featured in Architectural Digest and Gentry Magazine.  When?  I’d guess around 1960.  Hmm, according to their website, Gentry Magazine (apparently a pretentious publication) was established in 1993.  That hardly seems possible!


120607-kenmore-kawlums1993?  Then what’s with the mermaid on the website?  Splash came out in 1984, and even The Little Mermaid beat the 90s by a month and a half.  But if you read the current issue online, page 5 has a much pricier place in Woodside with the same high-falutin’ terms as eBay.  Yup, a minimum bid and a Buy it Now price.

120607-kenmore-mantleOkay, back to this house.  “The house isn’t that bad”?  How could it be bad?  It has mawbul kawlums!  Some of the other photos, though, suggest someone with too much money and no understanding of the term “less is more.”  Because when it comes to the photos of this house, more is definitely not more.  Maybe someone should tell the agent that plastering his name prominently across every single listing photo only adds to that “gilding the gold-plated fixtures” feeling.

120607-kenmore-little-gentryAnd that doesn’t include the utterly pedestrian street name.  Look, if you have enough wealth to buy in Woodside, you do not want to live on a street that reminds you of your mother’s crappy dishwasher.  Maybe you could make a donation to the Mayor’s favorite charity in return for a declaration renaming the street Miele Manor or Bosch Boulevard.  If you need inspiration, start leafing through Gentry Magazine.

Coming soon!  We can’t wait!

Comments (9) -- Posted by: madhaus @ 5:04 am

9 Responses to “Live-in, remodel to suit, or build anew”

  1. Metalhead Says:

    Love the fireplace kawlums too!

  2. mabeldu Says:

    so many comments, so little time. wait… didn’t i say that yesterday?

    the main entrance (‘front door’ sounds too mainstream for this deliciously tacky morsel) looks like white metal security gates guarding the foyer. is that supposed to be klassy? shouldn’t they be out front guarding the precious kawlums from vandals?

    ralphing all over the random bathroom gaudiness in pic #16. the oversized, ugly vanity is squeezing the poor toilet into the corner for a time-out, yet someone still thought the room needed more and put a cheesy shelf unit in front of the toilet. do they hate the toilet so much that they’re trying to bully it into running away? it’s the only decent thing in that atrocious bathroom. dim the lights and the room is a horror movie set; vincent price awaits his cue.

    i need to spend a bit of time on the kitchen – the white, wasteland of blah.
    – i don’t see the ‘standard appliance work triangle’. wear a pedometer when you’re cooking dinner to count laps
    – do i see bi-fold doors peeking out on the left side of the kitchen? love it; more kitsch!
    – kudos to the drunkard who installed the recessed lighting; nice placement. no one wants task lighting over their countertops, but plop in bulbs in the center of the room to light the island… wait, there’s not enough room for an island.
    – [… you do not want to live on a street that reminds you of your mother’s crappy dishwasher.] – i think that is my mother’s crappy kenmore dishwasher next to that little bitsy sink (so useful, one plate at a time).
    – do i see a missing front panel below the cook top? for $1.7mil, did ya think you’d actually get a decent kitchen? silly you!

    why no mention of the house’s warmth & comfort for animals? see: ruined, pee-stained hardwood floors in pic #18.

    it’s friday, i’m tired, and i don’t have time to snark through the hideous bedroom/suite/efficiency apartment/living room/all-in-one-kitsch-fest. but, i guess you could live in that room without ever visiting the rest of the house. maybe that was the plan.

  3. The Gilroy Alex Says:

    Actually I think Kenmore made pretty decent appliances.

    Gentry magazine seems to be a publication for the people who worked in Silicon Valley and bought land out where I am, built huge hideous McMansions, on acreage so they could have horses.

    So you get people like the dick up the street who, according to him, is a master dog trainer and competitor, goes pheasant hunting all the time, quail, all that gentry-ish shotgunny bird-dog-y shit. He has one dog, a female, who doesn’t like him. The dog likes *me*. It’s because I’m actually nice to her instead of yelling at her all the time. And how do I know this dog so well? Because she keeps getting loose, and maiming our chickens! (Whether chickens ought to be running around everywhere loose is another matter.) The last time this happened, the guy didn’t answer his phone or return my call, so walked the dog back home on an improvised rope leash and she took me right to her place, where her regular lead was tied up…. food and water bowls there …. I filled her water bowl and had a look at the lead. A damn $1.25 brass split-hook sort of thing was on the end and had become weak and worn. That was all. That was the reason for the stupid dog getting loose all the time and all the angst. I tied her back up again with a good honest knot, and still haven’t gotten a call-back or another visit from the dog. One of the guy’s horses gets loose once in a while too. That’s fun because it seems to tend to happen at night and the horse gallops up and down the street.

  4. SEA Says:

    Kenmore is the way to go for this place.

  5. nomadic Says:

    Gilroy Alex, that d-bag sounds like he’s related to the guy who lives next to me. He thinks he’s handy and repairs his own pool equipment. My yard has flooded five times, and the new redwood fence 4x4s rotted clear through after about three years.

  6. nomadic Says:

    It’s too bad the agent doesn’t spell his last name Bourne, instead his boring way.

  7. madhaus Says:

    mabeldu, I like your writeup of this home. I’m almost tempted to slug in the photos you’re referring to throughout your comments.

    Of course, that would require work on my part.

  8. Petsmart groomer Says:

    nomadic, Jason Born was already featured on burbed last year. Get ready for the ultimatum.

  9. mabledu Says:

    madhaus – thanks, i’m happy to help taunt realtors and their sellers (let’s crush some more delusions of grandure). i’d have plopped in the photos, but i’ m too stoopid to figure out how to do it myself.

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