Thanks very much to Burbed reader Overheard in San Carlos for this find nowhere near San Carlos.  Even though this was sent in a couple of months ago, it’s still on the market.  If you read Saturday’s piece on Astonishing Homes, that fact won’t astonish you in the least.

If you’re asking yourself why it took a couple of months to run this listing, then you’ll realize there are many great submissions to choose from.  At some point we many need to start running houses on weekends, which would be a terrible shame.  That would mean no more zip code articles, ever again, and they were such a reader favorite!

So, on to today’s featured home in Los Altos Hills!

 

11580 OLD RANCH Rd, Los Altos Hills, CA 94024
$6,850,000

 

BEDS: 4
BATHS: 5
SQ. FT.: 7,825
$/SQ. FT.: $875
LOT SIZE: 1 Acre
PROPERTY TYPE: Attached Single Family
STYLE: Contemporary
STORIES: 2
VIEW: Green Belt, Neighborhood
YEAR BUILT: 2010
COMMUNITY: Los Altos Hills
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81134148
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 79 days

Serenity, Privacy, Seclusion. This Komo Construction Contemporary masterpiece provides an incredibly spacious floor plan of approx. 7,825 sq. ft. plus approx. 1024 sq. ft. bonus room, up to 25 ft. soaring ceilings. The lush resort style backyard, complete with infinity pool and relaxing spa, is perfect for entertaining and quiet enjoyment.

Masterpiece, spacious floor plan, soaring ceilings, lush resort, perfect for entertaining, quiet enjoyment. That’s about five too many real estate clichés for one listing, and we haven’t even gotten to the title they’ve given the virtual tour: “A Tour de Force of Contemporary Design.”

I hope you know what “Contemporary Design” means.  That’s right.  NO MAWBUL KAWLUMS.  It also means “This place is perfect for Unhappy Hipsters captions.”  Here’s a couple of my suggestions.

The captive dwarf cypress glared at the locked cell door while the bench covers continued their mockery.

The fern reported every door barred on the second floor, while the electrified fence prevented a leap to the possibility of freedom below.

Many more pictures await you, so have at it!  Meanwhile, watch the seller try to explain the asking price with that ZEstimate of $2.4 million.  Then it’s a Tour de Twoce.

I read a lot of real estate sites in order to bring you Burbed-worthy features.  Recently, I found an agent’s special “Astonishing Homes” page that looked absolutely scrumptious.  Plenty of seven and even eight-figure high-end properties on acres of land with great schools.

Now I know absolutely nothing about this particular agent, but all these homes were on MLS. Member agents can detail any MLS listings in their region, and Sophia Delacotte put together a webpage with nicer luxury properties for people to get some real estate pr0n action.  But something was amiss when I took a closer look at the actual listings.

With ten different houses, that’s ten front facades and ten sets of details.  I have all that waiting for you inside, but before you join me, make your prediction how many of these ten estate properties:

• Sold (pending within 7 days)
• Sold (pending within 30 days)
• Sold in a longer timeframe
• Are still active on MLS
• Had their listing withdrawn
• Had a price reduction at some point

For “bunus” yucks, guess how many of these ten estate homes have marble columns.

Got your guesses ready?  Good.  Now, let’s see these Astonishing Homes and find out if you’re as Astonished as I was.

(more…)

Today we have a treat for you, thanks to Burbed reader Ashley.  This is a Los Altos Hills listing, which means get out your wallets, and your bank accounts, and your 401Ks, and your stock options, and better check in between the couch cushions too.  Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

 

27197 BLACK MOUNTAIN Rd, Los Altos Hills, CA 94022
$2,495,000

BEDS: 4
BATHS: 3.5
SQ. FT.: 3,635
$/SQ. FT.: $686
LOT SIZE: 1.01 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Contemporary
STORIES: Bi/Split Level
VIEW: Bay, Green Belt, Mountains, Neighborhood, Valley, City Lights
YEAR BUILT: 1958
COMMUNITY: Los Altos Hills
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81129731
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 102 days

IDEAL FLOOR PLAN FOR ADULTS & FAMILIES WITH TEENS. Perfect for entertaining. A media buff’s paradise, including a Home Theatre “2nd only to Spielberg’s”. PALO ALTO SCHOOLS. GREAT VIEWS. Across from Byrne Preserve, yet 10 mins. to town. Custom REMODELED – eclectic blend of hi-tech & Euro. Fab Master Suite, Office. PRIVATE DRIVEWAY directly Rt of house to back entry, 3-car gar. ,generous turnabout

Here’s why Ashley sent in this house:

Long time reader and first time contributor. I found this house in Los Altos Hills in the coveted PA school district (Nixon, Terman, Gunn schools) . Priced at $2.5 Mil, it boasts “a media buff’s paradise, including a Home Theatre “2nd only to Spielberg’s”". Is there any way we can check what Spielberg has in his many homes to ensure that we are not being fooled by this realtor??? Why could they not have said that the house came wired with a high end media system and left it at that?

I, for one, would have been impressed if they compared the media room to what George Lucas has.  This isn’t Beverly Hills.

Although between the media room and that vanity in the bathroom  maybe whoever lived here thought it was.  But if that were the case, why are there five pictures of the deck and none of the swimming pool?

What do you mean, this house is asking $2.5M and doesn’t have a pool?

Next you’re going to tell me it sold 23 years ago for $985K, which would knock this place right out of the Real Bay Area on valuation alone.

Meanwhile, have I missed some new kitchen design trend? 1958 colors with 42 inch wide white appliances?  But some of the painting effects in other photos looks like they did the sponge treatment, which is so 2001.

Here’s another number: 102 days on the market.  So the agent did tell the truth about one thing:

“,generous turnabout.”

28333 CHRISTOPHER Ln

Los Altos Hills, CA 94022
$3,700,000

 

BEDS:	4
BATHS:	4.5
SQ. FT.:	5,229
$/SQ. FT.:	$708
LOT SIZE:	1.18 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE:	Detached Single Family
STORIES:	2
VIEW:	Mountains
YEAR BUILT:	1990
COMMUNITY:	Los Altos Hills
COUNTY:	Santa Clara
MLS#:	81052994
SOURCE:	MLSListings
STATUS:	Active
ON REDFIN:	173 days

Resort Living – pool, spa, cabanna, sauna, rock stream, beautiful views of hills. Two large master bedroom suites with fireplaces, blt-ins, walk-in closets and balconies. 4 bedrooms, plus office and library with step-down wet-bar. Open floor plan with public rooms seamlessly flowing into one another, high ceilings, sweeping circular staircase. Ideal home to showcase art collection. PA Schools

 

 

One of the recurring arguments for Real Bay Area (RBA) prices to never go down is that even if the local economy is in the tank, prices will be pushed back up by foreigners with suitcases full of cash.  Yeah, the idea has become a bit of a joke meme on Burbed, but looks like it has a kernel of truth.

Thanks to Burbed readers nomadic and Perfect Angel for sending this one in.

Mystery surrounds buyer of hilltop mansion in Los Altos Hills

By Pete Carey, San Jose Mercury News

Posted: 03/24/2011 03:30:25 PM PDT, Updated: 03/25/2011 11:30:02 AM PDT

Satellite view of the home on La Paloma Road in Los Altos Hills.

Someone paid $75 million last month for a 25,500-square-foot mansion in Los Altos Hills — complete with its own carwash — the biggest price tag for a house in Santa Clara County history. The big mystery is who.

What is known is that the buyer is La Paloma Property, according to county records. That is a limited liability company registered in Delaware, where business laws protect the identities of the principals in companies and partnerships.

The blog TechCrunch quoted “multiple sources” saying the buyer was Yuri Milner, the Russian venture investor who founded the investment fund Digital Sky Technologies, now known as DST Global.

Milner, a former particle physics graduate student, has made a splash in Silicon Valley with large investments in Facebook, Zynga and Groupon. And he’s been shopping for a home in Silicon Valley, real estate agents said.

Wow, who knew the Merc was still such a digital dinosaur?  I mean, seriously, how difficult would it have been for them to link to the TechCrunch article?  Yeah, it’s a little thin, but it’s got an angled overview of the house and it also says Milner isn’t planning on living there much anyway.

TechCrunch and the Merc didn’t print the address, but we will, because this is a housing blog.  This metastasized monstrosity is at 13310 La Paloma Road, Los Altos Hills.  Redfin only details the 1997 sale for $5.3 million, which was before the house in question was built.  The 2009 property tax bill lists the site valued at around $4M for land and $21M for additions, with a total bill of $200,644.

The house and 11 acre parcel belonged to Fred Chan, founder of Fremont-based ESS Technology, and was held under Evershine III.  The 5-bedroom, 9 bath house, when construction began in 2003, was going to be the largest private home in the county.  Assessor info says the house was built/renovated in 2009, which means planning and construction took six years from start to finish. Again, the Mercury news says they covered the home groundbreaking, but couldn’t be bothered to link to its old article (no doubt only available as a for-sale-from-our-archive item).  Looks like Chan found a place he liked better: the largest waterfront property in Oahu.

While some sources claimed the purchaser was not Yuri Milner, the Merc has followed up on its on story and said Milner is definitely the February 3rd buyer of the property.  Milner’s spokesman Leonid Solovyev did deny that pre-IPO shares of Facebook, or any other stocks were used to pay for the home that Milner doesn’t plan to live in much.

Looks like we’re back to the really big suitcase full of cash.

But if Milner doesn’t plan on living there much, maybe he could rent the place out when he’s elsewhere.  Zillow’s rent Zestimate is $4301 a month, which seems a touch low.  I’m sure he could get the upper end of the range, which is $2200-8600 a month.

Forbes Magazine has their annual most expensive zip code collection again, and high-end real estate agents rejoiced.  This feature is the Capitalist Tool’s usual suck-off to NAR, with the lovely pictures there to move some expensive houses.  Anyway, California, despite its budgetary and property value woes, completely cleaned New York’s clock.  Unfortunately, Los Angeles is getting ahead of San Francisco.

Here are the top ten:

1. 91008, Duarte, Calif.
2. 94027, Atherton, Calif.
3. 90274, Rolling Hills, Calif.
4. 07620, Alpine, N.J.
5. 10014, New York, N.Y.
6. 90210, Beverly Hills, Calif.
7. 10065, New York, N.Y.
8. 94920, Belvedere, Calif.
9. 10012, New York, N.Y.
10. 93108, Santa Barbara, Calif.

If ever a list defined what flyover land was, this is it.  All ten are California or New York City suburbs.  How did Greenwich, Connecticut get knocked off this list?  More importantly, how did a town full of ginormous houses next to Monrovia get on it?  91008 is mostly big, expensive homes in Bradbury, but the post office calls the zip Duarte. High-priced enclave surrounded by working-class city, good thing we don’t have anything like that in the Real Bay Area (RBA)!

And we sure don’t have anything like this:

High-End Slump Slows
The median price of America’s high-end homes continues to slide, but not as fast as it did last year. Our index of 500 high-end ZIP codes saw the average home price fall 5%, to $1.2 million, from the same time last year. In 2009 the markets on our list saw a 7% price drop.

About 35% of the ZIP codes in our index saw median prices increase or stay flat, but that’s likely because more high-priced homes are coming on the market, while more affordable housing continues to falter. “The year-over-year price changes we’re seeing here aren’t necessarily the change in price for your house, if you have a house in this area,” says Simonsen. “It’s a change in the mix of homes on the active market.”

Anyway, on to the high-priced zips in the Bay Area.  Photos, stats, and smarmy real estate copy is from Forbes.  You’ll recognize what isn’t, and I’ve hunted down all the real estate so you don’t have to.

#2 – 94027: Atherton

Median Home Price: $4,010,200

Median Price Change: 4%

Average Days On Market: 109

Inventory: 57 properties

Median Household Income: $200,001

This remodeled mid-century four-bedroom, four-bathroom, 4,010-square-foot ranch with a cathedral ceiling, fireplace, media room, two-car garage and gardens sells for $4,488,000. It is listed with Alain Pinel.

And it’s up 4%.  RBA Win!  This house on Fredrick Ave is still for sale, listed 63 days.  Buy now with Redfin and save $56,100!

#8 – 94920: Belvedere

This three-bedroom, four-bathroom 4347-square-foot Spanish-style stucco home in the section of 94920 that’s in neighboring Tiburon offers views and a fireplace and sells for $3,195,000. William J. Smith has the listing.

What’s this?  The zip is shared with Tiburon?  Outrage!  If Belvedere had its own zip, it would kick Bradbury’s butt!  But wait!  This house isn’t in Belvedere but in Tiburon?  That’s bait and switch!  Just for that I won’t buy the house on Buckwheat Court.  In Tiburon.

#15 – 94022: Los Altos Hills

This 4,000 square-foot, five-bedroom, six-bathroom Mediterranean-style home has a stucco exterior, vaulted ceilings, a fireplace and study and is selling for $3,195,000. Alain Pinel has the listing.

Up 34%!  New York is our beeyotch.  And so is Forbes, because this house is on Jay St, in Los Altos, No Hills.  It’s also new construction.  Three lots down from busy El Monte.  You’re welcome.

#18 – 94024: Los Altos Hills

This 4,673 square-foot six-bedroom, four-bathroom home has hardwood floors, a fireplace, vaulted ceilings and a swimming pool. It is listed for $2,899,000 with Campi Properties.

Sloppy work again, Forbes.  This house is also in Los Altos, not Los Altos Hills.  And it’s only 4,367 feet, so you’re off by almost 300 sf.  It’s on Young Ct, off Summerhill, off Magdelena, off 280.  Talk about any easy commute, provided you don’t work anywhere near 101.

#20 – 94010: Hillsborough

This 4,190-square-foot, six-bedroom, five-bathroom home has a double-height foyer, two-car garage, fireplace and swimming pool, and is offered at $3,095,000 by Alain Pinel Realty.

What the – 101 properties listed in Hillsborough?  Are there even 101 properties in Hillsborough?  Trick question!  The zip is shared with Burlingame!  And this listing on Eucalyptus was a trick, too.  Everything in the description lined up, and here I thought they were going to put it in the wrong city.

But who the heck buys a 6 bedroom house with only a 2 car garage?  Where will the servants park?

There’s plenty more zip code madness to come, in another installment.  Although if you’re buying things on installment, you’re priced out of these zips.  Forever.

Today’s contribution is from burbed reader nomadic.  This property certainly has all the key features we know and love: listing copy in all-caps, problems galore neatly omitted, and a series of grudgingly small reductions on a WTF wishing price pretending to be a bargain.

11441 Eastbrook Ave  Los Altos Hills, CA 94024
$3,299,500

BEDS: 6
BATHS: 5.5
SQ. FT.: 9,000
$/SQ. FT.: $367
LOT SIZE: 0.53 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Contemporary
STORIES: 3
VIEW: Neighborhood
YEAR BUILT: 1975
COMMUNITY: Los Altos Hills
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81031402
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 93 days

$350K PRICE REDUCTION ON HUGE CUSTOM CONTEMPORARY HOME + 2100SF ATTACHED GUEST HOUSE = $300/SF IN LAH!!! * * * PERFECT FOR LARGE OR EXTENDED FAMILY NEEDING PLENTY OF SPACE * * * EXPANSIVE LIST OF AMENITIES INCL LIMESTONE FLRS, CUSTOM FAUX PAINT, LRG MASTER BED SUITE W/ SITTING ROOM, GOURMET KITCHEN W/ GRANITE, WINE CELLAR, TASTING AREA, 5ZONE HVAC, 4FPs * * (2)2 CAR GARAGES INCL OVERSIZED HEIGHT FOR R/V/WORKSHOP * *

Here’s what nomadic had to say about this house:

OMG.  It’s a freak of nature.  The noise from 280 is loud.  Very loud – it’s right across from the house and elevated for maximum annoyance.  It’s like two houses were glued together with a hallway or two. The listing says “2100sf guest house,” but you can hardly tell where one ends and the other begins because it’s just a double interior door, and then there’s a second kitchen back there.  The floor plan wanders from room to room with no sense whatsoever.

On the front, there are stairs with access to a roof top deck (see aerial view).  It’s like having turrets on an old house; you could set up a reporting station for traffic on 280.  It’s the weirdest house I have ever seen.  It could be Winchester West.  But what would you expect for just $367/sf in Los Altos Hills?

Thanks, nomadic!  Let’s take a look at that aerial view.

Yowza.  A half-acre parcel and the house seems to take up most of it.  And what little isn’t built over seems to be paved over.  Viewing the grounds from a little higher up shows this lot has been somewhat… subdivided.  And yet, no spec homes have sprouted yet.  Think of the excitement in buying this house, knowing a future neighbor could begin construction on another monster house just a few feet away from yours!  You’d better snatch that parcel up and put in Sarah’s Cafe West next door.  If the neighborhood improvement committee complains, give them all 25% off coupons.

Oh yes, the noise from 280.  This is an easy remedy.  If only the agent had the sense to use a more attractive map:

Problem solved!  Lovely riverside setting!

Besides, if the freeway is inconveniently elevated for maximum annoyance, that means it’s conveniently sited for tourists to see the large signage you’re going to put on the roof deck.  Remember, the original Winchester Mystery House is also atop I-280, but isn’t in the Real Bay Area part.  This house is full of freeway WIN!

Here’s a house that’s been on the market almost half a year.  Not only is nobody living in it now, nobody’s lived in it ever. burbed agents worked hard to find out why,

26462 Purissima Rd, Los Altos Hills, CA 94022
$8,888,000

Beds: 6
Baths: 7.5
Sq. Ft.: 11,000
$/Sq. Ft.: $808
Lot Size: 2.03 Acres
Property Type: Detached Single Family
Stories: 2
Year Built: 2010
Community: Los Altos Hills
County: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81010120
Source: MLSListings
Status: Active
On Redfin: 173 days

This extraordinary new estate is adorned w/ Old World Roman architecture. Spanning 2 levels, the approx. 10,000+/- sq ft main house offers 4 bedrooms, 2 offices, theatre room, & fitness room. Guest house includes 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, & full kitchen. Other amenities include 7 fireplaces, waterfall, pool w/ spa, sauna, wine bar, optional elevator, & room for tennis court. Excellent Palo Alto schools

You know what Old World Roman architecture means, don’t you?  If you don’t, I’ll give you a hint.  Dat’s right!  MAWBUL CAHLLUMS.  I think this property might set a burbed record for its sheer columnosity.  These pictures were lovingly borrowed from the property website and should give you the idea.  Just look for the helpful red arrows so you can count how many columns are in each picture.

Go ahead, count the arrows.  I definitely agree this new estate is extraordinary, but then again, things can be extraordinary without necessarily being good.  Like extraordinary rendition.

No, you aren’t seeing things.  There are columns in the MUD ROOM above.  Why a house in a semi-arid region like Northern California needs a mud room is something for you to ponder on while you check your bank account.

Had enough of that magnificent stairway?  Let’s check out the back yard.  Column WIN!  The structure in the center of the first picture below is the guest house.  Only 4 columns.  Not even as much as the decorative set of arches by the pool.

But… problems in paradise: there were cracks forming on the paving under that big balcony in that last picture above.  The house was finished this spring.  Should have used real marble!  That’s a waterfall in front of the guest house (columns foreground).  It was a great idea, but not for the reason you may think.

That’s the guest house on the left (above).  So, you thought the mud room was a funny place to put marble columns?  How about taking Mike’s advice and put some in your kitchen!  Or your bathroom!  Oooh-la-la!

Unfortunately, those MAWBUL CAHLLUMS not only weren’t sold by Fred Armison personally, they aren’t even made of marble!  They’re hollow tubes of concrete!  You’d think for almost nine million dollars the builder would spring for the real stuff?

You’d also think for that many big ones they’d spend a little bit to stage this place properly?  You’d think wrong.  This is what you see when you view each bedroom:

Nothing says, “I’ve got money and power” like a completely empty room.  And when I say empty, I mean there isn’t even a thumbtack on the inside of a closet door.  This house just reeks of empty, as you can see from playing Debbie Does Doric above.  There’s even empty spaces where the builder couldn’t figure out what to do with them, so he turned them into randomly shaped closets in unexpected places.  It’s like those tiny balconies on the second floor of the front of the house.  Those balconies were barely a foot deep.  So you have a room with no window, just a french door to a decorative balcony.

Oh yes, the waterfall.  The waterfall is there to deal with the reality of the lot:

Not quite easy freeway access, but almost!  The waterfall is there so you won’t hear the gentle susurrations of Interstate 280.

In summary, I think this house is still empty because it looks like it was designed by someone who grew up poor and thinks this is how rich people live.  You know, as many faux marble columns as possible.  Faux!  That’s French!  That’s good, rich people speak French!  Heck, call it a faux mansion!

But there is one fantastic feature the agent forgot to mention.  Since nobody ever lived in this house, nobody ever died in it either.  It’s guaranteed to be ghost-free!