Today’s Adventure in Realtard Listing Copy is courtesy of Burbed reader Tracy.  Thanks very much for separating the wheat from the chaff, and sending us the chaff!

2430 RUBY Ave
San Jose, CA  95148
$579,000

BEDS: 3
BATHS: 2
SQ. FT.: 1,420
$/SQ. FT.: $408
LOT SIZE: 0.57 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Contemporary
STORIES: 1
VIEW: Neighborhood
YEAR BUILT: 1950
COMMUNITY: Alum Rock
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81205841
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 21 days

* * * Regular Sale * * * Newer home with 3 bedrooms 2 bathrooms in a 24,829 sqft land. It has Pergo floors throughout, recessed lighting, ceiling fan, double Pane windows. Inside laundry room in the kitchen area. Kitchen has granite counter top and newer cabinetry. Low maintenance backyard with large patio and large storage room. Close to Eastridge Mall, restaurants and easy access to frwy 680/101.

Here’s why Tracy thought you’d be interested in today’s featured house:

HUuh??? Built 1950 “newer home”  708 sf with 3/2 and the most ginormous lot.. I am confused. I like the “Low maintenance backyard” and the storage shed might be bigger than the house.

The house is 708 sf, but the agent reports it as 1420?  Maybe the garage and that storage shed were added into the sqft land.  And do you see what’s there on the front porch?  I think it’s time to break out the Burbed Red Arrows, because we’re looking at some MAWBUL KAWLUM ACTION.

Also have to wonder about this Realtard leading with the kitchen cabinets instead of the awesomeness of these profound pillars.

Fortunately, there’s plenty of greenery in the back yard, so don’t worry about the seller neglecting the landscaping.

In fact, there’s so much treasure to hunt for, both on the property and in the surrounding neighborhood, that both you and your kids will enjoy being told to play outside in the Low maintenance backyard!  That is, if you and your kids are intrigued by vintage automotive finds.

Otherwise, at least you’re Close to Eastridge Mall.

2898 Bouveron Ct
San Jose, CA 95148

$329,990

The science fiction that you only dreamed about is here. Text now randomly pops up when you visit properties.

I bet this house says “Please wait while 19051 other buyers are touring, bitch!” when you step up to it. What else could it possibly say?

But, as they say – true love is always worth the wait…

14165 JERILYN Dr
San Jose, CA 95127

$249,000

A nice wall defending against the street. A gate. A driveway cover.

If Osama Bin Laden were alive and living in San Jose, this is a place that he might appreciate.

Which is exactly why the Realtor used (I’m guessing) a Google Street View image of the house. To simulate what you might see from a drone! Can’t get more realistic than this!

Incidentally, here’s the full picture:

What exactly is that thing next to the walkway to the house?

Did you like yesterday’s cute little house at an affordable price?  Then you’re going to love today’s find from Burbed reader nomadic, from that same thread on Redfin forums.  Today’s house costs 80% less, yet is 25% bigger!  Best of all, this place is much, much closer to Silicon Valley, yet offers all the same advantages of living in a big city.

181 N 34TH St, San Jose, CA 95116
$220,000

BEDS: 2
BATHS: 1
SQ. FT.: 572
$/SQ. FT.: $385
LOT SIZE: 3,600 Sq. Ft.
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STORIES: 1
YEAR BUILT: 1949
COMMUNITY: Alum Rock
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81141730
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Pending With Release
ON REDFIN: 33 days

Excellent Starter Home 2 Bedroom and 1 Bath home.

Here’s what nomadic has to say about the property:

Here’s a funny listing someone on the Redfin forum linked to:

Homeowner? check
Luxury German auto? check
Up next, trophy wife!
Chicks dig guys who own a home right?  (Please don’t notice this is a short sale!)

I didn’t notice it was a short sale because I was too busy wondering just how many drinks the surveyor had when platting out this neighborhood:

I wonder if he was working in an office where his colleagues enjoyed playing practical jokes, like the old “substitute tissue paper for drafting paper” trick.  Unfortunately, Mr. Five Martini Surveyor was too looped to notice and nobody had the heart to tell him he had to do it over.

Also, did you notice this house is Pending with release?  Do you know what Pending with release means?  It means this:

This listing is in escrow and all contingencies have been fulfilled. “With Release” means that there’s a release clause with the offer stating that the buyer is trying to sell his current home before closing. A release clause lets the seller back out of the deal if the buyers can’t sell their home within a set time frame.

So my question to you is what the hell kind of house is someone hoping to sell in order to buy this one?

Today’s featured house and accompanying guest commentary is brought to you by Burbed reader AstroWallaby, profiling the always adventurous area of Alum Rock, San Jose!  This is a genuine go-to geographical golden goose for great Burbed goodness.

Want to see your name in lights (okay, in bold) like this?  Send in your listing wins, with (or without) your added valuable observations.  Operators are standing by!

And now, please give AstroWallaby a big, warm Real Bay Area welcome!

134 N WHITE Rd, San Jose, CA 95127
$548,000

BEDS: 3
BATHS: 1
SQ. FT.: 999
$/SQ. FT.: $549
LOT SIZE: 6,500 Sq. Ft.
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STORIES: 1
VIEW: Neighborhood
YEAR BUILT: 1945
COMMUNITY: Alum Rock
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81129919
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 126 days

Large Lot with workshop in the back. Tile counters in Kitchen, Pergo Flooring. Fireplace in living room. Side yard access rear. Spacious Detached garage building. ~2,000 sq ft Side lawn, Fenced and Separate from the front house. Best offer will be considered.

Speaking of dreck, here’s another "optimistic" entry from East San Jose that might be worth a laugh, if you haven’t seen it yet.

The listing at least avoids ALL CAPS, although isn’t saying " Best offer will be considered" sort of redundant when selling a house? Clearly the realtor was impressed by the interior, judging by the two magnificent Quickcam-resolution interior shots they’ve included. It’s sort of disappointing that you can’t actually tell what it trying to escape from that cabinet drawer in the kitchen, but whatever it is I hope it succeeds. As for the fireplace… I’m not sure a provocative fandance really works to increase the sex appeal of inanimate objects but I’ll give it bonus points for trying.

The shot of the empty (down to the bare dirt) backyard is interesting. It *could* be an avant-garde artistic use of negative space, but I suspect it’s more likely a counterpoint to the satellite photo which shows no fewer than nine vehicles haphazardly arranged around the property. Nothing like the Pride of Ownership which comes along with owning your own former dirt parking lot. You might even qualify for Superfund money to pay for your landscaping!

And the suggested retail price for this V-J Day-vintage 999 square foot slice of heaven/White Road? A mere $548,000. Sure, it’s a good $200k higher than any reasonable comparable but that’s a small price to pay for a fireplace with a spot-on Sally Rand impersonation.

Today’s finds are from Burbed reader Tracy, featuring the double delights of craptacular East San Jose properties with aggressive out-of-the-box marketing, and that’s just for starters!

 

Somewhere on Clayton Road, San Jose 95127
$1

For Sale:$1

Zestimate^®:$288,800

Mortgage: $0/mo
Beds: 2
Baths: 1
Sqft: 1,152
Lot: —
Type: Single Family
Year built: 1949
Parking: —
Cooling: —
Heating: —
Fireplace: —
On Zillow: 34 days
County: Santa Clara
Covered parking spaces: 2
Legal description: —
Parcel #: —
Per floor sqft: 1,152
Zillow Home ID: 2124087924

COMING SOON. WE DON?T KNOW THE PRICE YET. BANK OWNED! IF YOU’RE A SERIOUS BUYER CALL ANN 408-561-7539 OR E-MAIL SOLDBUYANN@GMAIL.COM FOR SHOWING & WRITE UP OFFER TODAY! IF THIS IS NOT THE HOUSE FOR YOU, WE HAVE OVER 50 MORE FORECLOSURE LISTINGS THAT WILL BE GOING ON THE MARKET/MLS SOON!Brokered AndAdvertised By: Ann ThaiListing Agent: Ann Thai

Here’s what Tracy had to say about this and some other similarly placed houses by this agent.

Yesterday I discovered a Zillow mystery. An Agent Ann Thai who advertises “ foreclosures to come”  by listing the houses with no address, or no price. See “clayton rd, SJ CA  # 95127 .”  I found numerous postings by this realtor, all with the same MO. Not sure if it’s a scam, but something about it seems like a manipulation of the MLS system/ Zillow. 

Let me know what you think if you have a chance. Is it wrong?  I am wondering if I should call, but I have called these forclosuretors before and it was nothing but slime.

What do you think, readers?  Is this nothing but slime?  Couldn’t there be some sleaze and scum in the frothy mix as well? Tracy sent this in two weeks ago, so clearly this realtard has a looser definition of “soon” than most of us do.  Kind of like “mañana” but without the sense of urgency.

Here are two more properties listed in the same way, but with addresses so you can check them out a little more.  First we have a high-res, high visibility property in not-Campbell with a “potting shed.” The quotation marks say it all: something was spinning in there.

176 N Bascom Ave, San Jose 95128
$1

and this one that has a watermark in the tanbark, along with “Landscaping, carpet, paint, linoleum, fixtures, lights, heater&more!”  So many extras!

1258 Ortiz Ct, Sunnyvale 94089
$1

Each of these homes in turn link to Redfin pages saying “Foreclosed Home: Not for Sale” as you can verify yourself for both the Bascom Ave and Ortiz Ct properties.  You can also get the full text on the Zillow links on each address, and most of it is an assurance that there are 50 MORE FORECLOSURE LISTINGS THAT WILL BE GOING ON THE MARKET/MLS SOON.

Also let us know how you do making a full asking price offer of a dollar on any of these winners!  You could be featuring an even faster flip than the pros in Redwood City can manage, and we promise to give it plenty of Burbed love.

Many thanks to Burbed reader Tracy for today’s especially excellent East San Jose estate!

 

4045 Hidden Valley Ln, San Jose, CA 95127
Listed for $450,000; Delisted and PENDING

Source: Public Records
BEDS: 4
BATHS: 5.0
FINISHED SQFT: 2,003
UNFINISHED SQFT: -
TOTAL SQFT: 2,003
FLOORS: 1
LOT SIZE: 18,295
STYLE: Single Family Residential
YEAR BUILT: 1948
YEAR RENOVATED: 1948
COUNTY: Santa Clara County
APN: 61222093
LAST UPDATED: October 12, 2011

Here’s why Tracy sent us this listing that “needs work” with the “killer views,” but no mention of the “street noise.”

Another in my series of East Valley houses with horrible photography, misspellings, weird pricing/ price history, crappy condition and generally creepy weird listings. Good for Halloween! Also, this one features instant equity. I keep staring at the out of focus picture number one, trying to imagine what it is like in person.

As you can see, Redfin removed all the listing information and photos, no doubt at the request of the listing agent.  The house was delisted on September 28th and went pending on October 5th.  Fortunately, there are plenty of other online sources for MLS that aren’t quite so efficient!  Here’s “picture number one” right below:

Here’s the descriptive text from BayAreaForSale:

Many possibilities for expansion or additional remodeling. Fantastic panorama view of city. One of a kind. To see it is to buy it! Remodeled home.. Five bathrooms with a shower in each one. 18,000+ sq lot. Many possibilities for expansion or additional remodeling. Note the terrace patio with the dynamic view. Huge family room on lower level. This home is located at the end of a quite private road.

So here are the listing photos, since they may well be thrown in the MLS memory hole any minute now.

Wait, wait, wait, what’s that in picture #5 above?  Does that extra stuff in the lower left look like a pointing finger with hand and a raised knee?

I do believe this house has just earned itself a DHO Number (Dudes Hanging Out) of 1!  And if that isn’t a hand and a knee, then what the heck is that in an otherwise empty room?

Also, there are no pictures of any of the bathrooms, either the 5.0 Redfin mentions or the 1+ on BayAreaForSale.

Tracy mentioned the weird price history, so here it is, direct from Zillow.  Redfin has more listing dates, but no prices to go with them.  Instant equity galore!

Here’s another extra “bunus” with this property!  You get a piece of the neighbor’s house as well.  Too bad the city thinks it owns half of yours.

Have a better look at this place, courtesy of Google Streetview, while you make plans to beat the crap out of enthusiastically convince the lucky purchaser to let you have this deal!

Thanks very much to Burbed reader AstroWallaby for this amazing listing in East San Jose.  Not only does it have lots of yummy features for your approval, this is probably the first listing I’ve seen on Redfin with a typo in the address.

 

3167 andora Dr, San Jose, CA 95148
$715,000

BEDS: 4
BATHS: 2
SQ. FT.: 1,564
$/SQ. FT.: $457
LOT SIZE: -
PROPERTY TYPE: Residential, Detached, Single Family
STYLE: Ranch
STORIES: 1
YEAR BUILT: 1965
COMMUNITY: Santa Clara
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 21122622
SOURCE: BAREIS
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 40 days

One of the best homes on the block! Shows pride of ownership throughout, meticulously maintained. Almost everything updated and upgraded. Custom Paint throughout w/ neutral colors, raised panel doors including closets, beautiful lamiate and marble floors, updated dual pane windows, custom sink, granite shower in master bath, beautiful custom tile vanity, new appliances in kitchen, marble counters, gourmet oak cabinets. Too much to list. A must see

Here’s why AstroWallaby brought this home to our attention in comments:

Description… could be worse, although I have to wonder about “blood red” being described as a “neutral color” and there’s something about the pictures of the bathroom which cracks me up. (I think I’m picturing that white curtain opening up and revealing a packed studio audience while someone’s squatting on the pot, forcing them to immediately launch into a scatological improv routine.) On the plus side the kitchen comes with yummy “gourmet oak cabinets”. Can you eat just one?

(Perhaps their addictive cheesy crunch will drown out the sound of gunfire from White Road.)

Mostly what makes it “Burbed”-ish is the price. $715k, when even Zillow thinks the max it’s worth is $462k. (Or to put it another way, $457 a square foot in a neighborhood where the sold average is in the $300 ballpark.) Those had better darn well be *delicious* cabinets.

I want to know if either the kitchen or the bathroom has a lamiate and marble floor, myself.

And not only is this house conveniently located near all the action on South White Road, it’s also just a hop, skip and a jump next to two other terrific features of East San Jose.

No, not the liquor stores.  But it isn’t that far away from Lake Cunningham and Raging Waters, and it’s also close enough to Reid-Hilllview Airport that I’m curious why the upgrades stopped with only dual pane windows.

AstroWallaby was right on to call the place a teensy bit overpriced for the neighborhood.  The current Zestimate is $385,100, which means there are already several houses in just this little slice at left coming in higher, including the place two doors down with the $508K tag (maybe because it sold for $650K in 2005).

Perhaps it lists for so much more because, despite its location, location, location in East San Jose, the agent is purporting that it’s actually in Santa Clara.

Yeah, that would account for at least $250K of the price.  You’d get far more respect from your colleagues if you lived over there.  Then again, imagine how much more this place would list for if the realtard had taken the trouble to look up how big the lot actually is.  (6018 square feet.  Which is a lot better than, um, nothing.)

Now if only they could get that street name capitalized, the seller could probably mark it up another $50K.  I know a great place where they could pick up a few extra easy As.

Here’s another East San Jose treasure thanks to Burbed reader Tracy!  Sure it’s an overpriced crapbox waiting to pull anyone who grabs it deep underwater.  Yes, there’s some amusing mistakes in the listing copy.  But it’s so much more than that!

 

10759 HUBBARD Way, San Jose, CA 95127
$399,000

BEDS: 4
BATHS: 2
SQ. FT.: 1,786
$/SQ. FT.: $223
LOT SIZE: 10,450 Sq. Ft.
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Traditional
STORIES: 2
YEAR BUILT: 1974
COMMUNITY: Alum Rock
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81138824
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 6 days

Fantastic opportuniy to make this house your dream home! Private balcony off master bedroom. HUGE bonus room opens to the ovesized deck with views of San Jose – great for entertaining. The sloped lot is tiered and waiting for your choice of landscaping! Mature trees provide a sense of privacy, yet your just minutes away from Shopping, dining, schools & freeways. So much space for so little money.

Here’s what Tracy had to say about this property:

I enjoyed the POV of the agent, focused on the bottom ¾ of the house. Also the great artistic Cypress tree shot. The wood floors do look amazing…The rest, not so much!

Whoa, does this agent have a sixty pound lens on that camera or something?  This is indeed a very bottom-heavy view of a property.

Let’s have a look at some more of the pictures.  Sometimes taking a new perspective brings out the hidden qualities of a place.

This agent is a clearly misunderstood artist, the inverse of Edgar Martins.  None of these images was manipulated, because none of them needed to be.  They made their statement without any extra help.

And that statement is: If you want to buy this house, then watch your step carefully.  Very, very carefully.

Looking for a house because you figure the market’s finally hit bottom?  Hope you have suitcases full of cash, because if you don’t, there are other people hefting full TravelPros!  And we aren’t talking about foreigners, either.

Home buyers find themselves aced out by investors

By Eve Mitchell, Contra Costa Times
Posted: 09/10/2011 03:00:00 PM PDT, Updated: 09/11/2011 04:33:48 AM PDT

As husband Mark looks on, Kathryn Bressem gives son Lyndon, 5, a push on the swing in the backyard of their home in Hercules, Calif., Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2011. Competing with all-cash investment buyers, the Bressems had been frustrated in their home-buying efforts before purchasing this house. (Kristopher Skinner/Staff)

After getting the good news on a Friday night that their offer topped all the others on a foreclosure in Vacaville they wanted as their retirement home, Jack and Donna Pfister spent the weekend packing.

But the following Tuesday they were told the bank had decided to go with an all-cash buyer, whose offer was $25,000 less than the $475,000 offer from the Pfisters.

“My husband was heartbroken,” said Donna Pfister, of Rodeo. “I was heartbroken because he was heartbroken. … Right now, we both feel kind of let down.”

The Pfisters are far from alone. In the Bay Area, about one-fifth of all homes sold in July were purchased by absentee buyers, mostly investors looking for rentals or properties to fix up and then sell, according to DataQuick, a real-estate reporting service. About six out of 10 absentee buyer transactions (which can also involve second-home purchase) were all-cash purchases. In July 2010, absentee buyers accounted for 17.4 percent of home sales, and the average for all months since 2000 is 13.8 percent.

Supposedly these people living in East Contra Costa County are losing out on houses to… investors from Silicon Valley!  They’re also snapping out homes in East San Jose.  Some investors are buying the homes as rentals, and others fix the properties up and flip them.  It’s also difficult to get a loan on a property needing extensive repairs, which is why so many flippers are bottom-feeding now.

So, would-be Silicon Valley investors: why go all the way to Brentwood, Antioch, or even Hercules to look for homes?  There are plenty of crapboxes in Redwood City and San Jose to choose from.  Plus that’s one less thwarted family complaining in what’s left of the newspaper that they didn’t get their dream home.  As in they must be dreaming if they think buying now is a good idea.

This is an Open Thread.