Here’s a house that’s been on the market almost half a year. Not only is nobody living in it now, nobody’s lived in it ever. burbed agents worked hard to find out why,
Sq. Ft.: 11,000
$/Sq. Ft.: $808
Lot Size: 2.03 Acres
Property Type: Detached Single Family
Year Built: 2010
Community: Los Altos Hills
County: Santa Clara
On Redfin: 173 days
This extraordinary new estate is adorned w/ Old World Roman architecture. Spanning 2 levels, the approx. 10,000+/- sq ft main house offers 4 bedrooms, 2 offices, theatre room, & fitness room. Guest house includes 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, & full kitchen. Other amenities include 7 fireplaces, waterfall, pool w/ spa, sauna, wine bar, optional elevator, & room for tennis court. Excellent Palo Alto schools
You know what Old World Roman architecture means, don’t you? If you don’t, I’ll give you a hint. Dat’s right! MAWBUL CAHLLUMS. I think this property might set a burbed record for its sheer columnosity. These pictures were lovingly borrowed from the property website and should give you the idea. Just look for the helpful red arrows so you can count how many columns are in each picture.
Go ahead, count the arrows. I definitely agree this new estate is extraordinary, but then again, things can be extraordinary without necessarily being good. Like extraordinary rendition.
No, you aren’t seeing things. There are columns in the MUD ROOM above. Why a house in a semi-arid region like Northern California needs a mud room is something for you to ponder on while you check your bank account.
Had enough of that magnificent stairway? Let’s check out the back yard. Column WIN! The structure in the center of the first picture below is the guest house. Only 4 columns. Not even as much as the decorative set of arches by the pool.
But… problems in paradise: there were cracks forming on the paving under that big balcony in that last picture above. The house was finished this spring. Should have used real marble! That’s a waterfall in front of the guest house (columns foreground). It was a great idea, but not for the reason you may think.
That’s the guest house on the left (above). So, you thought the mud room was a funny place to put marble columns? How about taking Mike’s advice and put some in your kitchen! Or your bathroom! Oooh-la-la!
Unfortunately, those MAWBUL CAHLLUMS not only weren’t sold by Fred Armison personally, they aren’t even made of marble! They’re hollow tubes of concrete! You’d think for almost nine million dollars the builder would spring for the real stuff?
You’d also think for that many big ones they’d spend a little bit to stage this place properly? You’d think wrong. This is what you see when you view each bedroom:
Nothing says, “I’ve got money and power” like a completely empty room. And when I say empty, I mean there isn’t even a thumbtack on the inside of a closet door. This house just reeks of empty, as you can see from playing Debbie Does Doric above. There’s even empty spaces where the builder couldn’t figure out what to do with them, so he turned them into randomly shaped closets in unexpected places. It’s like those tiny balconies on the second floor of the front of the house. Those balconies were barely a foot deep. So you have a room with no window, just a french door to a decorative balcony.
Oh yes, the waterfall. The waterfall is there to deal with the reality of the lot:
Not quite easy freeway access, but almost! The waterfall is there so you won’t hear the gentle susurrations of Interstate 280.
In summary, I think this house is still empty because it looks like it was designed by someone who grew up poor and thinks this is how rich people live. You know, as many faux marble columns as possible. Faux! That’s French! That’s good, rich people speak French! Heck, call it a faux mansion!
But there is one fantastic feature the agent forgot to mention. Since nobody ever lived in this house, nobody ever died in it either. It’s guaranteed to be ghost-free!