Yeah, we’re still Taken with this Blogging from A To Z Challenge, and if you don’t like it, Too bad. Um, we mean ‘Twill be all over next week. So let’s find That Typical Burbed post, where we contrast Things that don’t go Together. 

Today we’re Twist Terrific Terroir with Tired, dare we say Tortured listing photos? Let’s Take a Trip to Tiburon!

24 Red Hill Cir
Tiburon, CA 94920
$950,000

HOA Dues: $423/mo.
2 Beds
2 Baths
1,574 Sq. Ft.
$604 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1990
Lot Size: 701 Sq. Ft.
On Redfin: 38 days
HOA Dues: $423/month
Style: Contemporary
View: Bay, Forest/Woods, Greenbelt, Hills, Lights, Mountains, Panoramic, Water
County: Marin
Property Type: Residential, Attached, Condominium/Coop/Other
Stories: Split-Level
Community: Tiburon
MLS#: 21305218

Highly desired Red Hill Circle. One way, private street. All prior sales minimum $1,000,000+ without upgrades or any remodeling done. Views are spectacular of Richardson Bay to Sausalito with full silhouette of Mt. Tam. Lots of entertaining and happiness here.

If all The prior Transactions were in seven digits, Then what The heck is wrong with This place? It can’t be just The Terrible pix, because There’s proof That There’s little To Tamp Bay Area Bubble 4.0 This Time!  Remember, buy now or be priced out forever!

Bunus: can you find The DHO in photo #19 (the last one)? Without upgrades or any remodeling done!

Welcome back to Day #4 of the Danged blogging from A to Z challenge. Despite Dropout, we’re Determined to Drag our Dozen Dear readers through Daily Dumps!

Excuse us.  We’re got a Delightful Domicile for your to Drool on the Drapes! But Don’t Despair! We’re Driving a Distance to Danville for this Detached single family Dreck.

Drop any Disgust; the Day’s Display Deserves Decent Drama.  Thanks very much to Burbed reader Kim from the East Bay for this Donation.

531 FERNCROFT Ct
Danville, CA 94526
Sold for $678,000

3 Beds
2 Baths
1,938 Sq. Ft.
$350 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1974
Lot Size: 9,963 Sq. Ft.
Sold On: Mar 27, 2013
Type: Detached
Stories: 1
County: Contra Costa
Style: Ranch
Community: Danville
MLS#: 40604422

Wonderful ranch style home on a large, private lot. Vaulted ceilings in family room w/ wood burning fireplace. Dine in kitchen with newer appliances. Formal dining room and living room. Dual pane windows. Large parklike backyard with patio. Home needs some TLC.

Let’s Dial in with Kim:

Look at the listing history:

Listed for $650 a mere 24 hours after being purchased for $565K (Feb 21-22) Closes on March 27 for $678

BUY NOW OR BE PRICED OUT FOREVER!!!

You can’t even call it a flip since he may as well just have used the same listing photos.. the only difference is the house is vacant. Not a bad profit for zero work.

Don’t Diss the Dealer! Why Do you Despise Democracy so much? Maybe you should Dig Ditches in Da Nang if you Don’t Declare Dittoes! Dude, we Direct you to the old Data.  The Dated Depictions are worth a Detour, as the Domicile is not only Decorated, we even found a Double-Double DHO (Dudettes Hanging Out) Distinction! (see left side mirror and its Doppelgangers).

Also the previous listing features lawn Décor from another Development, Different Date, Domain… it looks like a Disk from the Island of Yap.

Or a Demon-sized Donut.

D’oh!

The Detail:

Today’s house shows the importance of architectural design rules, such as balancing all the elements on each wall.  In this case, perhaps they were followed a bit too literally.  Our thanks to Burbed reader holyzoo for this superlative structure in South San Francisco!  Pending?  But of course!

Please enjoy this Guest Post, and give holyzoo a big, warm, Real Bay Area welcome as today’s Guest Blogger!

114 B St
South San Francisco, CA 94080
$575,000

3 Beds
2 Baths
1,270 Sq. Ft.
$453 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1953
Lot Size: 6,144 Sq. Ft.
On Redfin: 29 days
Property Type: Detached Single Family
Stories: Bi/Split Level
County: San Mateo
Style: Contemporary
Community: South San Francisco (Industrial)
MLS#: 81304306

A great home in lovely South San Francisco. This lovely home is located on a large corner lot. 3 large bedrooms, 2 full baths. including a mastersuite, Large spacious kitchen, dining area off the kitchen, nice size living room, 4 car attached garage, lots of light thru out the home. very private location, perfect place to park a lot of cars.

Well I have lenders jumping through hoops to see how much of a shovel I can have them hand me.  So far it looks pretty sweet.

So the search continues to see if something can persuade us. 

Which leads to this bizarre anomaly. 

It’s a bargain at $595k for a 3/2 1270sq/ft. SFH that looks like an apartment, no?

There’s an open house this weekend and we are there.  The listing agent gets crafty – "very private location, perfect place to park a lot of cars", or dead bodies?

Let’s see if we can even figure out how you get to the house?

Here’s the bird’s dropping, er, I mean, bird’s eye view.   Say you need a new roof?  Mr. Roofing is a turd throw away. 

Now from the street named end, looks like a dead end to me.

Then from the 1st street past someone else’s teardown, I think we have solved the mystery?  Just *sneak* past the neighbors with my entourage of cars daily and nightly and see if they dare screw with ME!

These guys had no clue how to get there either. 

Properties featured on Burbed can be one of several things.  They can be the classic ridiculously high-priced crapbox, which is our bread, butter, and without so much rat in it.  There’s your basic eye-popping completely-overdone-for-the-neighborhood McMansion.  There’s your that’s-not-eclectic-that’s-just-WTF white elephant that doubles as a falling knife.

Today’s property seems to fit into that third category. Thanks very much to longtime Burbed reader sonarrat, back with more Bay Area Real Estate Win!  And speaking of Realty Win, today’s winner is also Movoto because Redfin is on the blink and wouldn’t load this listing up.  (Or maybe they blocked us because they’re sick of our whining about those trackbacks.)

15950 Blackberry Hill Rd
Los Gatos, CA 95030
$4,095,888

Loan Payment: $14,260/mo
Bedrooms: 5
Bathrooms: 4&1/2
Size: 5,700 sqft
$/Sqft: $718/sqft
Type: Single Family House
Year Built: 2010
Lot Size: 1
Days on Movoto: 44 days
MLS#: 81301292
Status: Active

CUSTOM GATED ESTATE. NEWER CONSTRUCTION. NEVER LIVED IN. MAIN HOUSE: 4,500 SF. 1,033 GUEST HSE. HIGH-END FINISHES. SMART HOUSE; DIGITAL EVERYTHING. VEGAS STYLE PEBBLE TEC POOL W/LED LIGHTS & H20FALLS! AMAZING UNOBSTRUCTED VIEWS: SF TO SJ FOOTHILLS. CHEF’S KITCHEN, VIKING APLS. HIGH CEILINGS. 3 CAR GARAGE. RESORT PROPERTY. *AMPLE* FLAT; MORE FLAT LAND THAN YOU THINK! 1.5 MILES TO DWNTWN. LG SCHOOLS

And here’s why sonarrat checks in with this property:

Los Gatos – $4 million, Ghostbusters pool.  Built in 2010, never lived in. Is it any wonder?

Is the house also infested with ectoplasmic residue, or is all telekinetic activity confined to the pool?  Also for some reason Movoto doesn’t provide the lot size.  Per Zillow, it’s 87,120 sq ft, sufficient to snag an acreage tag.

BUNUS: Dude Hanging Out (DHO) in listing photo #20, admiring *AMPLE* FLAT; MORE FLAT LAND THAN YOU THINK!

Today’s featured property is brought to you by Burbed reader wahnny.  It’s perfect for a quick little mini-vacay, because it’s an easy drive from Google, Facebook, Apple, or wherever you should be working this weekend.  Just plop down the cash (easily found behind the couch cushions or by redeeming a couple of stock options), pitch your tent, and enjoy!  Plus, you could build a house on it!

2155 Tucker
Scotts Valley, CA 95066
$140,000

— Beds
— Baths
— Sq. Ft.
Built: —
Lot Size: 4.74 Acres
On Redfin: 9 days
Property Type: Residential Land (Single Family)
Community: Scotts Valley North
MLS#: 81304038
View: Mountains
County: Santa Cruz

Perfect vacation spot with a self sufficient little cabin. Off the grid with spring fed water. A wonderful tree house, a zip line, a foot bridge PLUS your own beach on Soquel Creek (year round water) Great place to get away, enjoy the peace and quiet. Read a book, go for a hike, let you kids enjoy the the outdoors! Can’t see a neighbor who you all share in the road maintenance.

Here’s why wahnny sent in this delightful home away from home (that is, if by home, we actually meant a place that doesn’t have a house for grown-ups on site).

Just came across this offbeat/offgrid Scotts Valley getaway.  What an interesting use of children, to help sell property.  And deep in the woods no less!

Unlike the "mini-San Simeon" property, this one actually has a zip line, as well as other fun structures (cabin, treehouse), and isn’t as far from civilization/paved roads.  And it has "beach" access (to the creek) too!

Given its relative proximity to the RBA, relative RBA pricing, and r3ltrd copyspeak, it’s quite clear who this would appeal to!

Every rule we’ve ever heard about staging a property for sale says to take family photos out of the house, because the buyers want to visualize themselves in the house. If they see pictures of your family, then that makes it harder for them to see themselves living there.  Obviously either the agent never heard of this rule, or she has some really obstinate sellers.  Why?  This property features a bunch of family snaps instead of the usual listing photos.

And whoever’s idea this was, they really want you to admire the family.  The pictures of the grounds that left the wife and kiddies out are not the sharpest prints in the drawer. 

Just wait until you meet “can’t see a neighbor who you all share in the road maintenance.”  We double dog dare you to share in the road maintenance with someone you can’t see.

Bunus: Be sure to check out the listing history.

Extra-super-bunus: Last sale (at $190K in 2007) and the older photos are still available for your viewing pleasure.  You can tell this one on the right is from the old set, because it’s actually focused.

Let’s continue with our post-Christmas clearance sales!  Today’s fabulous find is in the fantastic framework of Milpitas, or as its fun-loving denizens call it, “What’s that smell?”  Thanks very much to Burbed reader Petsmart Groomer for flipping this one forward.

1568 CLEAR LAKE Ave
Milpitas, CA 95035
$359,000

HOA Dues: $270/mo. 
2 Beds 
1.5 Baths 
1,008 Sq. Ft.
$356 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1971 
Lot Size: 810 Sq. Ft. 
On Redfin: 21 days
Status: Active
HOA Dues: $270/month
Stories: 1-3 (Low Rise)
County: Santa Clara
Property Type: Townhouse
Community: Milpitas
MLS#: 81242591

Property well maintained and is ready for its new owners.

Or as PG notes:

It’s ready for a new agent too.

Oh don’t be such a stickler, Petsmart.  Just because the front image took a little rotation ride doesn’t mean the agent isn’t a knowledgeable professional.  Let’s enjoy the rest of the photos.

Excellent.  Start with the exterior shots first and then lure your customers in.

Here the agent skillfully picks up the wooden texture of the bed frame in both the dining room set and the beautifully shining hardwood floor.

Contextual linking continues in subtle ways with the kitchen towels suggesting whimsy, supported by the colorful devil-may-care display on the coffee table.

Now it’s your turn.  Do you see the ingenious way the agent finds elements in common from the living room entry to the bathroom sink?  And nice job leaving out the throne entirely. You’d be surprised how many amateurs not only include it but have the seat raised high.

Ending the photo show with nature at her most bountiful, we also note this property has a location, location, location (!) in a popularly-populated planning potpourri!  You can find everything here!

While you’re busy getting your last-minute Christmas shopping and decoration and cooking done, think about celebrating the holiday with your extended family. Now think about what it means to turn home, hearth, family, and grandparents into that All-American concept of… making a buck off it.  Thanks very much to Burbed reader J.C. for showing us what the true spirit of the holidays is about.

631 DUNHOLME Way
Sunnyvale, CA 94087
$1,395,000

6 Beds 
4 Baths 
2,852 Sq. Ft.
$489 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1976 
Lot Size: 10,176 Sq. Ft. 
On Redfin: 65 days
Status: Active
Property Type: Detached Single Family
Stories: 1
Community: Sunnyvale
MLS#: 81238349
Style: Traditional
View: Neighborhood
County: Santa Clara

Great opportunity for business , Clean private residence, elderly care facility , fully furnish, with pool.

Here’s what J.C. thought when sending us this listing:

Complete with pictures of elderly residents that come with the home!

A perfect purchase to ensure you won’t be lonely this Christmas!  Or New Years!

We may or may not be taking tomorrow off, but we’ll have some year-end closeout sales waiting when we return. 

If we return.  Because we could have been reading those stone disks all wrong and the world could end this week.

If you haven’t already sent in your absentee ballot, today is the day for you to vote.  There’s a clutch of candidates who made speeches and some of them are going to get elected.  Burbed has not endorsed any specific candidates, but we have a guide to the state propositions based on how much each would increase the value of your house.

Now, here’s the house we’d vote for if it were on the ballot.  Thanks very much to Burbed reader MJ for nominating it!

1430 South Wolfe Road
Sunnyvale CA 94087
$728,888

Bedrooms: 3
Bathrooms: 2
175 days on Trulia
33 views
Property type: Single-Family Home
Size: 1,768 sqft
Lot: Ask agent
Price/sqft: $412/sqft
Year built: 1949
MLS/ID: 81218044

REGULAR SALE, NOT A SHORT SALE!!!NOT A SHORT SALE!!! NEWLY REMODELED PROPERTY!!! 1,768 SQ FT. GRANITE COUNTER TOPS, NEW BRAZILIAN CHERRY CABINETRY, NEW CARPETING IN ALL THE BEDROOMS, MARBLE IN BATHROOMS & HALLWAY, HOUSE IS IN A GREAT LOCATION. CONVENIENT ACCESS TO HWY 280, 85 AND LAWRENCE EXPY. IN OTHER WORDS A TURNKEY HOME FOR YOUR BUYER.

Here’s MJ’s nominating speech.

I’ve read the blog for a while but never felt compelled to send anything in. Until now. I believe I found a home with every Burbed cliche. It is a crapshack. It has a sweet price history, quadrupling in price in fourteen years, eights in the listing price, garage converted to “living unit with two bedrooms and a kitchen”, awful location on a busy road (though oddly the listing copy mentions its proximity to a different busy road), seven photos of the stove, and insane listing copy noting twice it isn’t a short sale. It even has DHO, see the reflection in the patio door.

I don’t feel like I can take credit for this. The realtor really deserves it all.

Oh it gets better. My wife found out it come with Sunnyvale utilities but Santa Clara schools, four Redfin agent comments, and the first shot is a Google street view. We really have hit every Burbed cliche except pink house.

But was it a former meth lab?  Got ya there, huh?

MJ sent us a link to Redfin, which was perfectly fine when we checked it out a couple of days ago, but this is what we see now.  Another Burbed cliche, the listing got pulled the day we wanted to write it up.  Fortunately it’s still on almost every other real estate site (for now), so we’re going to grab those pictures while the grabbing is good.

Whoa, how’s this for a cliche?  Search for the house by address, click on the Trulia listing, and get the wrong house in the wrong town.  We swear we’re not making this up, but the Google link to the house was sending us to 1395 Jefferson in Santa Clara.  Whew!

At least the Redfin comments are still there, even if the 24 photos were taken down.  See some of what you missed, after the break.

(more…)

We do enjoy a few inside jokes here at Burbed, and sometimes our new readers may not understand all the mysterious terms.  If you ever wondered what we mean by the acronym DHO (which even has its own tag), today you’re going to find out!

Thanks very much to Burbed reader Divasm for this beautilicious battlement in Belmont!

16 ELDER Dr
Belmont, CA 94002
$1,229,500

4 Beds 
2.5 Baths 
2,490 Sq. Ft.
$494 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1974 
Lot Size: 0.26 Acres 
On Redfin: 108 days
Status: Active
Property Type: Detached Single Family
Stories: 2
Community: Belmont Woods
MLS#: 81227108
Style: Ranch
View: Bay, Green Belt, Mountains, Canyon, Marina, City Lights
County: San Mateo

Sweeping views of SF skyline, Bridges, East bay. Public rooms on main level:L shaped living/dining rm w/ vaulted ceilings, kitchen w/ granite counters, family rm w/ vaulted ceilings and Fplc. Kitchen/family rm opens to deck. Bedrooms including master suite on lower level open to deck. New in 2006-roof, gutters, decks, driveway, garage door, copper plumbing, carpets, granite counters, water heater. Lot is 11,480 sqft

Here’s what Divasm had to say when passing this place along:

This house worried me at first – more than half of the photos (13 of 23), including the first 9, are all of the exterior. Three of them feature the family minivan, and pic 6 is of a random stone walkway. So I thought, it must be horrible inside – you know, a contractor’s dream, etc. But it’s not, it seems well taken-care of, actually, It’s just that the current owners seemed to not want to bother with this pesky “staging” thing.

I think the agent probably tried suggesting that maybe they remove some personal things while he took photos – like the dishes in the sink, for example – and they declined. So there they are, sitting in the kitchen at the table, apparently watching the television, which seems to be on some sort of news program from what I can tell.

What’s also weird is the listing history. It appears to have been listed July 19 at 1,295,000, sold on August 17 for 13,000, then Pending Without Release on August 22, now it’s back at $1,229,500. Is the real estate agent as incompetent at MLS history as he is at managing his sellers? He must be, otherwise there would be 8′s in the price.

But what I really want to know is if that CHO comes with the house…maybe they are the live-in staff. That explains why it says “Public Rooms on main level” in the copy – because your maid and butler stay there (where do they sleep, the minivan?). If so I’m going to need their resumes and references before I buy the house.

If you clicked on the DHO tag, you might have figured out it meant somebody got caught in a listing photo. We have to go back to this house with not one but two Dudes Hanging Out to find the birth of this Burbed meme.

It’s a new month, Spring Bounce is just around the corner, and the Real Bay Area continues to be awesome sauce.  But what about those outside the Zone of Ever-Climbing Real Estate Values? Let’s check in with Burbed reader J from Alameda, who found something in the treat bag for us.

1315 Court St
Alameda, CA 94501
$970,000

Loan Payment:  $3,377/mo
Bedrooms:  4
Bathrooms:  4&1/2
Size:  3,193 sqft
$/Sqft:  $303/sqft
Type:  Single Family House
Year Built:  1905
Lot Size:  4,000
Days on Movoto:  14 days
MLS#:  40593343
Status:  Active

Beautiful Remodel. New Kitchen with Granite and SS appliance. Shining New Bathrooms remodeled w/ Marble. Elegant Dark Engineered wood floors. New Plush Carpet. New Paint Inside & Out. New Roof. All make this property shine. Open House Sat 1-4

Good news! We’d hoped a house that’s 107 years old would have at least one appliance eligible for Social Security.  Better buy it quick before Congress decides to implement Dishwasher Death Panels.  We hope the paneling will match the engineered floors.

Here’s what J thought about this property:

Here is a question to ponder: investor buys house. Puts some money into it. Then ups the price – was it $400,000? No, more. Be that as it may, for that huge profit, do you think they could hire a real photographer? One with a clean lens (photo 9)? Who can take a bathroom photo without appearing in it (photo 10)? This is in a lovely neighborhood but I predict it will sit. Something about that 3,000+ sf house on a 4,000 sf lot does not bode well.

It looks like its raining in photo 9.

It’s raining instant equity!  Bunus: Buy this house for almost a million dollars and you get to choose whatever washer and dryer you want!  That’s right, hookups only.  Super Bunus: Zillow sez: “This home is done! Just move in your belongings!”  Laundry appliances are belongings, too.