January 23, 2011

We’re Number Eight! We’re Number Eight!

And we’re number eight within… number twelve?

The world’s fastest Internet access—who’s got it?

Fortune/CNNMoney Posted by Scott Woolley January 23, 2011 6:00 AM

New research ranks the countries with the fastest Internet connections, and all 50 U.S. states too.

The speed at which people around the world connect to the Internet is climbing at a 14% annual clip and now averages nearly 2 megabits per second, according Akamai’s "State of the Internet" report that is due out tomorrow. There remain huge variations around that average speed. South Koreans hook into the Internet at 14 megabits a second, seven times the global average, earning them the top spot on Akamai’s list:

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Well, you can head over to the article and see the list for yourself. Nobody really cares if South Korea has better Internet speeds than we do. Do they have sushi? Didn’t think so.  And neither does Hong Kong or Japan!

More important is which states have faster Internet speeds than California. It won’t surprise you that each and every one is there not because of their engineering prowess or sheer high-tech awesomnity, but because THEY CHEATED.

  1. Delaware, 7.1 Mbps. Delaware only exists so all those corporations who are legally persons have a legal birthplace as well. Those fast downloads are just lawsuits flying from one company to another.
  2. Utah, 6.4 Mbps. High speeds realized by the majority of residents spending all their time in church, meaning nothing ever downloaded but the same 6 Warren Miller ski sequences.
  3. District of Columbia, 6.4 Mbps. Since the Federal Government runs on the Secret Government Internets, high speeds easily attained by little traffic but lonely agency workers reloading their Match.com profiles three times for good luck.
  4. Rhode Island, 6.3 Mbps. The state is so small that the rates are meaningless. You can’t measure latency when the border is always within 25 feet of you.
  5. Vermont, 6.2 Mbps. Cows and hippies and hippie ice cream companies. Does anyone there use the Internet besides Ben and Jerry? Didn’t think so.
  6. New Hampshire, 6.1 Mbps. Just as a smile is a frown turned upside-down, The Granite State is just Vermont flipped over. So they have Tea Party Loons instead of Flower Children. Same result: only five people in the whole state ever go online.
  7. Massachusetts, 5.9 Mbps. There may be a few people at MIT who use the Internet but I suspect their influence is greatly exaggerated.

And California is #8 with 5.8 Mbps, but we’re probably the only state that uses the Internet for what it was designed for: ogling real estate.

Comments (7) -- Posted by: madhaus @ 3:14 pm