Properties featured on Burbed can be one of several things.  They can be the classic ridiculously high-priced crapbox, which is our bread, butter, and without so much rat in it.  There’s your basic eye-popping completely-overdone-for-the-neighborhood McMansion.  There’s your that’s-not-eclectic-that’s-just-WTF white elephant that doubles as a falling knife.

Today’s property seems to fit into that third category. Thanks very much to longtime Burbed reader sonarrat, back with more Bay Area Real Estate Win!  And speaking of Realty Win, today’s winner is also Movoto because Redfin is on the blink and wouldn’t load this listing up.  (Or maybe they blocked us because they’re sick of our whining about those trackbacks.)

15950 Blackberry Hill Rd
Los Gatos, CA 95030
$4,095,888

Loan Payment: $14,260/mo
Bedrooms: 5
Bathrooms: 4&1/2
Size: 5,700 sqft
$/Sqft: $718/sqft
Type: Single Family House
Year Built: 2010
Lot Size: 1
Days on Movoto: 44 days
MLS#: 81301292
Status: Active

CUSTOM GATED ESTATE. NEWER CONSTRUCTION. NEVER LIVED IN. MAIN HOUSE: 4,500 SF. 1,033 GUEST HSE. HIGH-END FINISHES. SMART HOUSE; DIGITAL EVERYTHING. VEGAS STYLE PEBBLE TEC POOL W/LED LIGHTS & H20FALLS! AMAZING UNOBSTRUCTED VIEWS: SF TO SJ FOOTHILLS. CHEF’S KITCHEN, VIKING APLS. HIGH CEILINGS. 3 CAR GARAGE. RESORT PROPERTY. *AMPLE* FLAT; MORE FLAT LAND THAN YOU THINK! 1.5 MILES TO DWNTWN. LG SCHOOLS

And here’s why sonarrat checks in with this property:

Los Gatos – $4 million, Ghostbusters pool.  Built in 2010, never lived in. Is it any wonder?

Is the house also infested with ectoplasmic residue, or is all telekinetic activity confined to the pool?  Also for some reason Movoto doesn’t provide the lot size.  Per Zillow, it’s 87,120 sq ft, sufficient to snag an acreage tag.

BUNUS: Dude Hanging Out (DHO) in listing photo #20, admiring *AMPLE* FLAT; MORE FLAT LAND THAN YOU THINK!

We love it when listings rise from the dead canceled and return betteh than EVEH.  Today we have a house that already made one appearance on Burbed, so another one makes it so much more full of Win!  Thanks very much to Burbed reader Dibber for unearthing this unabashed ultimate unavailable (yep, PENDING!) um…

11441 Eastbrook Ave
Los Altos, CA 94024
Pending: $2,499,000
Zestimate^®: $2,507,171

Bedrooms: 6 beds
Bathrooms:6 baths
Single Family:9,300 sq ft
Lot:23,086 sq ft
Year Built:1992
Heating Type:Forced air

Description

HUGE CUSTOM CONTEMPORARY HOME W/2100SF ATTACHED GUEST HOUSE**PERFECT FOR LARGE EXTENDED FAMILY OR INVESTMENT RENTAL**EXPANSIVE LIST OF AMENITIES INLC LIMESTONE FLRS, CUSTOM FAUX PAINT, LRG MASTER SUITE W/ SITTING ROOM, GOURMET KITCHEN W/ GRANITE, WINE CELLAR/TASTING ROOM, 5-ZONE HVAC, 4FIREPLACES** TWO (2) CAR GARAGES INCL OVERSIZED HEIGHT FOR R/V/WORKSHOP**FRESH LANDSCAPING,ROOFTOP BALCONY!

We’ll leave it as an exercise to the reader to find out why Zillow led with the cabinet picture instead of the front of the house.  Now let’s check in with Dibber:

Or maybe it never left?  Winchester Mystery House, Los Altos Hills campus.   Check out the listing history.  Who says Silicon Valley is expensive.  I can get you into Los Altos Hills baby!  And only $269 per square foot.  I’m thinking listing mistake…Concord? 

Perfect for the large extended family?  Honey, please show aunt Betty to the 2100 square foot guest house, but this time please keep her out of the wine cellar and off the roof deck.  And honey, the kids really shouldn’t be playing pick-up soccer on the 280.

Yes, ridicuously cheap.  Too bad Foothill College doesn’t have fraternities.  This place would would be perfect… traffic noise would drown out the party noise!

Wonder why this never got snapped up last time we featured it… And here it is all the way from 2010!  Remember this one?

Wow, has the unwitting seller finally dropped the price low enough price to find a buyer?  Or is this just a coincidence that prices are finally going up again?

We haven’t had a guest post for a while, so we’re going to sleep in while Burbed reader Dr. Jim takes over today’s column.  Thanks very much!  Please give Dr. Jim a big, warm, Real Bay Area welcome to the front page as today’s guest blogger!

And now we’re going back to bed.

451 PORTOLA Rd
Portola Valley, CA 94028
$6,495,000

4 Beds
5 Baths
4,200 Sq. Ft.
$1,546 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1912
Lot Size: 1.13 Acres
On Redfin: 88 days
Status: Active
Property Type: Detached Single Family
Stories: Tri-Level
Community: Brookside/Willowbrook Area
MLS#: 81240340

Stunning historic estate originally built by Herbert E. Law completely renovated with state of the art contemporary finishes. Turreted castle main residence (3 br) incl. 1000 sq. ft new construction, stone guest cottage, 1200 sq. ft workshop. 1.2 flat ac. in prime PV, western views, pool, bocce court, enclosed rose garden, diamond plaster top quality appliances incl. La Cornue stove, Miele appl.

Check it out: 

They expect to make $4,645,000 profit on a house that they bought 1.5 years ago for $1,850,000!  That’s $1106/sf for remodeling.  And the cottage and workshop were there already.  Granted, the land is valuable, but that’s already accounted for in the original purchase price.  Let’s say they spent a ridiculous million dollars on renovation.  That’s still a 28% ROI, which is wildly ambitious.

A couple of notes on the listing copy: (1) This is not the Herbert E. Law estate, this is the former GATEHOUSE for the Law estate (Villa Lauriston).  (2) A La Cornue oven, oh boy!  It looks like the $35,000 model (Chateau 120).  If they had put in a $299 Kenmore range, I suppose they would be asking $6,460,299.  Not really much difference.

Thank goodness for the Internet.  Just a few years ago, prior sale info was more difficult to obtain.  I think part of the current real estate slump is due to all of the information on the web: people are no longer being duped as readily by realtors.

Our readers have mentioned what they’re looking for in an ideal home.  Some want a big, well-organized kitchen, some want spectacular views, some want the best school district possible.  And since Silicon Valley is We-Built-That Central, we’ve heard from many readers who want nothing more than a lot of garage and workshop space.  This lascivious Los Gatos listing, lobbed in by Burbed reader nomadic, may be where you’ll end up dropping your tools, banging your head, and having the time of your life.

Oh yeah, there’s supposedly a house somewhere on the property.

119 HARWOOD Ct
Los Gatos, CA 95032
$2,895,000

5 Beds 
5 Baths 
5,361 Sq. Ft.
$540 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1987 
Lot Size: 1.49 Acres 
On Redfin: 20 days
Property Type: Detached Single Family
Stories: Bi/Split Level
Community: Los Gatos/Monte Sereno
MLS#: 81233794
Style: Mediterranean
View: City Lights
County: Santa Clara

Under Construction! Unique opportunity to complete construction to your own taste. Serene setting next to natural open space & trails. Mediterranean home, 4 BR & 3.5 BA (2 BRs are suits with Jacuzzi), sweeping city light views from all rooms. High ceilings & skylights bring lots of natural light. SF includes separate guest unit(960 SF) w/ 1 BR & 1.5 BA * Unit has 4 car garages. Total 7 car garages.

Here’s why nomadic sent in the gorgeous garage (with ginormous garrison).

A trunkey Mediterranean (sic)! 7 car garages (huh?) 2 of the bedrooms are suits with Jacuzzis (how do you keep the water out of your shoes?)

Purchased at the height of the bubble for $2.3M, now in the “middle of remodeling” and the seller is trying for $2.9M.  Comparing with the 2008 listing, it looks like they added 1500sf, but I suspect that’s the size of the “guest house” because looking at the site, it doesn’t appear that they’ve expanded the house.  The bedroom/bath counts match up with the old 2008 listing too.

I go past this house regularly, and it seems like they’ve been working on the new tile roof for at least a year.  I figured the owner was doing it himself and was low on cash. 

Alas, the listing doesn’t show the garage as it goes through construction.  Instead, all we get are exterior shots such as this smoggy and obstructed view of Milpitas, except there’s a bunch of buildings blocking The Great Mall.  (The photo at right is from the aforementioned old listing.)

Fortunately, nomadic took some actual on-site pictures!  Ready?

As promised, here are the pictures of the current state of the house on Harwood.  It’s kind of bizarre that he started putting pavers down for the driveway and quit part way through.  Usually you can put them in pretty quickly once the hard part (the base and leveling) is done.

The guest house (bottom left) looks kind of abandoned, just like the main house.  The view from the main house is pretty good; you can see Communications Hill (no big deal) and downtown San Jose.

Still can’t see the Great Mall.  Might as well go back to the garage and enjoy that seller financing.

Welcome back from your three-day weekend!  That’s assuming you didn’t work all three days because you’re up against some arbitrary deadline.  And if you did, maybe you’re thinking you really need a vacation.  Today’s property is for you!  Thanks very much to Burbed reader Dr. Jim for this superb bivouac in Big Sur!

51422 PARTINGTON RIDGE Rd
Big Sur, CA 93920
$799,000

3 Beds 
3.5 Baths 
3,203 Sq. Ft.
$249 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 2003 
Lot Size: 2.03 Acres 
On Redfin: 483 days
Status: Active
Property Type: Detached Single Family
View: Green Belt, Mountains, Canyon, Ocean
County: Monterey
Stories: 2
Community: North Big Sur Coast
MLS#: 81120578

The essence of Big Sur, an awesome opportunity, to own an amazing Big Sur retreat property. A private & serene location, on 2+ acres with dramatic vistas of the Pacific Ocean, along with the green and gold flowered hills of the rugged Big Sur Coast. This diamond in the rough, a terrific value, property being sold AS-IS. 2728 s. f. main house, is 75% complete, & a separate 480 s. f. cottage.

And here’s why Dr. Jim took the time to share this with you:

Just found your web site – love it!
What’s going on with this one?  The property history is bizarre.

Property history?  What about the tiny little pictures that don’t show the 25% of the house that isn’t complete?  Talk about an awesome opportunity… to take on someone else’s money pit!

But Dr. Jim is right.  Head over to the Redfin link and check out that property history.  We’d include it here, but it goes on for so long that we literally cannot copy it into one screenshot. Instead we’ll send you over there to have a scavenger hunt, where you have to find the not-an-arms-length transaction, the foreclosure, the sale at more than twice the above asking price, and count the exact number of times it went pending.

And then there’s this, back when the property was sold 9 years ago (for more than today’s asking price), when those plans for a “2800 SQ FT DREAM HOME MOSTLY FLAT” hadn’t been acted on yet.

$940,000 Last Sold Price 
0 Beds 
1 Baths 
500 Sq. Ft.
$1,880 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1999 
Lot Size: 2 Sq. Ft. 
Sold On: Feb 25, 2004
HOA Dues: $655/month
Style: Cabin
View: Mountains, Canyon, Ocean
County: Monterey
Property Type: Detached Single Family
Stories: 1
Community: North Big Sur Coast
MLS#: 80340955

PRIVACY, OCEAN AND CANYON VIEWS WITH THE COMFORT OF PAVED AND GATED ACCESS GARDENS BLOOM WITH FLOWERS ON 2.1 AC. APPROVED PLANS FOR 2800 SQ FT DREAM HOME MOSTLY FLAT. VIEWS OF THE OCEAN AND A NATIONAL PRESERVE WILL GUARANTEE YOU

Will guarantee you what?  Argh, this is like reading a mystery and someone tore the last page out of the book!  Maybe it’s “If you build it, the foreclosure will come.”

Today’s house is absolutely, positively, we promise and pinky swear, really, truly NOT IN MOUNTAIN VIEW.  It isn’t even in Palo Alto.  Today, we are headed up to Contra Costa County, where Burbed reader J from Alameda has a little real estate riddle for us.

Meanwhile, are you someone who doesn’t live in or look at houses in Mountain View or Palo Alto?  If you find one that’s #winning, send it on over!  Heck, send us more houses in Mountain View and Palo Alto too.  We’re willing to point and laugh at almost anything.

30 QUAIL Xing
Moraga, CA 94556
$3,100,000

$3,100,000 Price
1 Beds
1 Baths
1,200 Sq. Ft.
$2,583 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 2010
Lot Size: 53.71 Acres
On Redfin: 258 days
Type: Detached
Stories: 1
Community: Rancho Moraga
MLS#: 40554737
Style: Ranch
View: Hills
County: Contra Costa

Newer 1200 SF Guest Cottage sits on 4.35± acres w/ flat building pad for a 5700± SF home, 6 stall Castlebrook barn, sport court & 360 degree view. 2nd parcel of 49± Agric. zoned acres has 2.5± acres planted w/ 3100 vines & expansion to 20+ acres possible. Abuts EBMUD open space and trails.

Here’s why J sent this in:

Over the hills and through the woods….I just had to send this in (not going anywhere fast) its just such an incredible RBA price per square foot – $2583 – but not in the RBA. Now you get a lovely barn, sport court and ‘guest house’ with one bedroom and one bath….some teeny tiny grape vines – and yes, that lovely cement pad just waiting for its 5,700 sf, give or take – house. What, by the way is sport court? And, it’s not even in the RBA! It’s a long way down the hill(s) to get on Orinda Bart (yes, Bart) to get to RBA land. Or the other hill into the backside of Oakland.

And the realator was nice enough to note – those 40 some odd acres are zoned agricultural – meaning, I imagine, no subdividing. What, exactly, was the original buyer thinking? Spec guest house? Forget to leave some money in the budget for the house?

Ps – out looking at houses on Sunday and drove by the half finished house – the one with the lovely garbage can shot on Olympic (Lafayette?) – I recognized the plywood. Looks about the same.

Wait, wait, you left out the best part.  The street name is half English, half Mandarin!  We can’t figure out if it’s named for where the quail are run over by vehicles or merely shot by Dick Cheney.

I read a lot of real estate sites in order to bring you Burbed-worthy features.  Recently, I found an agent’s special “Astonishing Homes” page that looked absolutely scrumptious.  Plenty of seven and even eight-figure high-end properties on acres of land with great schools.

Now I know absolutely nothing about this particular agent, but all these homes were on MLS. Member agents can detail any MLS listings in their region, and Sophia Delacotte put together a webpage with nicer luxury properties for people to get some real estate pr0n action.  But something was amiss when I took a closer look at the actual listings.

With ten different houses, that’s ten front facades and ten sets of details.  I have all that waiting for you inside, but before you join me, make your prediction how many of these ten estate properties:

• Sold (pending within 7 days)
• Sold (pending within 30 days)
• Sold in a longer timeframe
• Are still active on MLS
• Had their listing withdrawn
• Had a price reduction at some point

For “bunus” yucks, guess how many of these ten estate homes have marble columns.

Got your guesses ready?  Good.  Now, let’s see these Astonishing Homes and find out if you’re as Astonished as I was.

(more…)

Here’s a house that’s been on the market almost half a year.  Not only is nobody living in it now, nobody’s lived in it ever. burbed agents worked hard to find out why,

26462 Purissima Rd, Los Altos Hills, CA 94022
$8,888,000

Beds: 6
Baths: 7.5
Sq. Ft.: 11,000
$/Sq. Ft.: $808
Lot Size: 2.03 Acres
Property Type: Detached Single Family
Stories: 2
Year Built: 2010
Community: Los Altos Hills
County: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81010120
Source: MLSListings
Status: Active
On Redfin: 173 days

This extraordinary new estate is adorned w/ Old World Roman architecture. Spanning 2 levels, the approx. 10,000+/- sq ft main house offers 4 bedrooms, 2 offices, theatre room, & fitness room. Guest house includes 2 bedrooms, 2 baths, & full kitchen. Other amenities include 7 fireplaces, waterfall, pool w/ spa, sauna, wine bar, optional elevator, & room for tennis court. Excellent Palo Alto schools

You know what Old World Roman architecture means, don’t you?  If you don’t, I’ll give you a hint.  Dat’s right!  MAWBUL CAHLLUMS.  I think this property might set a burbed record for its sheer columnosity.  These pictures were lovingly borrowed from the property website and should give you the idea.  Just look for the helpful red arrows so you can count how many columns are in each picture.

Go ahead, count the arrows.  I definitely agree this new estate is extraordinary, but then again, things can be extraordinary without necessarily being good.  Like extraordinary rendition.

No, you aren’t seeing things.  There are columns in the MUD ROOM above.  Why a house in a semi-arid region like Northern California needs a mud room is something for you to ponder on while you check your bank account.

Had enough of that magnificent stairway?  Let’s check out the back yard.  Column WIN!  The structure in the center of the first picture below is the guest house.  Only 4 columns.  Not even as much as the decorative set of arches by the pool.

But… problems in paradise: there were cracks forming on the paving under that big balcony in that last picture above.  The house was finished this spring.  Should have used real marble!  That’s a waterfall in front of the guest house (columns foreground).  It was a great idea, but not for the reason you may think.

That’s the guest house on the left (above).  So, you thought the mud room was a funny place to put marble columns?  How about taking Mike’s advice and put some in your kitchen!  Or your bathroom!  Oooh-la-la!

Unfortunately, those MAWBUL CAHLLUMS not only weren’t sold by Fred Armison personally, they aren’t even made of marble!  They’re hollow tubes of concrete!  You’d think for almost nine million dollars the builder would spring for the real stuff?

You’d also think for that many big ones they’d spend a little bit to stage this place properly?  You’d think wrong.  This is what you see when you view each bedroom:

Nothing says, “I’ve got money and power” like a completely empty room.  And when I say empty, I mean there isn’t even a thumbtack on the inside of a closet door.  This house just reeks of empty, as you can see from playing Debbie Does Doric above.  There’s even empty spaces where the builder couldn’t figure out what to do with them, so he turned them into randomly shaped closets in unexpected places.  It’s like those tiny balconies on the second floor of the front of the house.  Those balconies were barely a foot deep.  So you have a room with no window, just a french door to a decorative balcony.

Oh yes, the waterfall.  The waterfall is there to deal with the reality of the lot:

Not quite easy freeway access, but almost!  The waterfall is there so you won’t hear the gentle susurrations of Interstate 280.

In summary, I think this house is still empty because it looks like it was designed by someone who grew up poor and thinks this is how rich people live.  You know, as many faux marble columns as possible.  Faux!  That’s French!  That’s good, rich people speak French!  Heck, call it a faux mansion!

But there is one fantastic feature the agent forgot to mention.  Since nobody ever lived in this house, nobody ever died in it either.  It’s guaranteed to be ghost-free!

19730 Glen Una Dr, Saratoga CA
$7,800,000

(He) Honey, I think I found the perfect estate for us
(She) Do tell, pumpkin pie!
(He) Well first, it is fabulous, and it has gorgeous, breathtaking vistas
(She) Hmmm, sounds rather moisturizing!
(He) But wait, we can invite our car lover friends to enjoy the garage with us! The setting is private and gated.
(She) Say, this is a wet dream!
(He) A dream you can build! And once in the garage, we have license to divide and reproduce. Well worth the $1,656/sqf, if you ask me! But you don’t know the best part…
(She) Do tell, I am breathless
(He) Wait until you see the gracious existing home with classic architecture!
(She) … Pumpkin pie, is that a manger?

Here’s another in our series of our seven-digit properties.  Unlike Thursday’s San Jose house, this one is much closer in.  In fact, this one is so close-in, it’s on El Camino Real.  Or at least El Camino Real del Sur.

1645 The Alameda, San Jose, CA 95126
$2,998,000

BEDS: 7
BATHS: 7.5
SQ. FT.: 7,500
$/SQ. FT.: $400
LOT SIZE: 0.47 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Mediterranean
STORIES: 3
VIEW: Neighborhood
YEAR BUILT: 1919
COMMUNITY: Central San Jose
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81005748
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 129 days

Completely restored “One of the Original” Grand Mansions. Dialed in top to bottom. Impressive statement property. 4-unit compound currently set up for a work/live environment, but many options. Gorgeous main hse, restored in 2002,3-suite office-recpt area, full kit & bath. Sep guest hse rebuilt on sep lot on Randol-3bd/3ba. Oversized prking courtyard, New 5-car garage w/ apt above added 2002.Too much to list

It’s not every day that a house with a 5-car garage comes up for sale, especially one that already has all the parking it needs.

Definitely a “live/work environment!”  Let’s see who your new neighbors are going to be!

Can’t wait to meet them!  But if you’re going to cross the street for a cup a sugar, better do it during business hours.

Here’s a look from the side.  How many of the buildings are included with the sale, I wonder?

I see one advantage of this place already.  There’s no Google Streetview of the front of the house!  How many people can make that claim?

The compound seems to include the “Owner’s Living Quarters” on the ground floor of The Big House, the Guest House (with 4 bedrooms if you believe the agent’s virtual tour, or 3 bedrooms if you believe the listing), the Garage (with a one-bedroom apartment) and a building to be named later.  The Big House also boasts three office suites (so the emphasis is more on the “work” than the “live.”)  If you’re a Type A who wakes up at 4:30 in the morning to pound out a few dozen memos (after having turned in at 3:30), you could just set up a cot in each office and expect the same from your minions.

Since the listing promised seven bedrooms, your job, burbed readers, is to find the missing ones!  Here’s the virtual tour so you don’t have to bother the listing agent.  First one to find them gets their pick of either a.) Your very own house featured on burbed, or b.) Your very own house never featured on burbed.  Second one to find them gets their house featured twice.