I read a lot of real estate sites in order to bring you Burbed-worthy features.  Recently, I found an agent’s special “Astonishing Homes” page that looked absolutely scrumptious.  Plenty of seven and even eight-figure high-end properties on acres of land with great schools.

Now I know absolutely nothing about this particular agent, but all these homes were on MLS. Member agents can detail any MLS listings in their region, and Sophia Delacotte put together a webpage with nicer luxury properties for people to get some real estate pr0n action.  But something was amiss when I took a closer look at the actual listings.

With ten different houses, that’s ten front facades and ten sets of details.  I have all that waiting for you inside, but before you join me, make your prediction how many of these ten estate properties:

• Sold (pending within 7 days)
• Sold (pending within 30 days)
• Sold in a longer timeframe
• Are still active on MLS
• Had their listing withdrawn
• Had a price reduction at some point

For “bunus” yucks, guess how many of these ten estate homes have marble columns.

Got your guesses ready?  Good.  Now, let’s see these Astonishing Homes and find out if you’re as Astonished as I was.

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Thanks to Burbed reader Tracy for yet another fantastic listing.  This is one of those extra-special surprises, where somebody gives you a beautifully wrapped box.  Then, when you open it up, the gift inside is even better.  So first, here’s the presentation, where Tracy sent in this listing on Trulia:

Wait, didn’t Tracy already send us a house where the whole world was tilting?  Looks like it happened again. And check out the rest of the photos!

You know, if they hadn’t included the first and last ones, I would have asked where they even found a camera with 60 x 36 resolution!

Anyway, I did a drive-by on Redfin to see if the pictures were just as bad inspired over there, and we hit the jackpot!  Check out much, much more after the break!

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Here’s another great find from Burbed reader Tracy!  I hope Tracy doesn’t find a house to buy anytime soon, or say goodbye to these terrific listings and I’ll have to look at places like these myself.  Don’t know if I’d dare face the wilds of Milpitas, though, so thanks very much, Tracy!

436 COELHO St, Milpitas, CA 95035
$674,950

BEDS: 5
BATHS: 3
SQ. FT.: 1,962
$/SQ. FT.: $344
LOT SIZE: 7,975 Sq. Ft.
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Traditional
STORIES: 2
VIEW: Mountains, Neighborhood
YEAR BUILT: 1964
COMMUNITY: Milpitas
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81121789
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 18 days

GORGEOUS COMPLETELY RE-MODELED DREAM HOME!! NEUTRAL COLORS THRU-OUT. MASTER BEDROOM LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS MAGAZINE WITH JACUZZI TUB, FIREPLACE AND VIEW OF THE HILLSIDE. ENORMOUS ALMOST 8,000 SQ. FT. LOT. GET HERE FAST!! WON’T LAST!!

Here’s what Tracy had to say about this place:

I don’t know what magazines they are reading! Absolutely hideous  complete with Kawlums ! Strange, there are no granite countertops or red walls???  Very fancy outdoor kitchen and shed too! Maybe the house looks better in person? Could be just a horrible set of photos, a lame description, and lack of caps or punctuation that makes this one a candidate for the blog!

Hey, not every house featured on Burbed claims their interior decoration is good enough to be in a national magazine.  The closest thing I can think of is that place in Campbell that said it looked like it was in Saratoga.

And not every house featured in Burbed has MAWBUL KAWLUMS FTW.  Too bad there aren’t any on the outside.

But, oh wow, when was this kitchen done, 1986?  And the living room, um, I can’t figure out if those are sanitary covers or if someone has too much time on her hands and a sewing machine.

At least they put their laundry away, you know what I’m saying?

Hey look!  You get your own mini-golf park in the back yard!  Awesomeness!  Plus a terrific design touch in the bathroom: the premium sink/basin so conveniently located right next to the crapper.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the MASTER BEDROOM that LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS MAGAZINE WITH JACUZZI TUB, FIREPLACE AND VIEW OF THE HILLSIDE.  Ready?

OMFG.  Is that a fireplace, or a 1958 television console?  I figure it needs the fan to keep the vacuum tubes from overheating.  Here’s another view, in case you don’t like this one.

Yeah that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens Magazine all right: a before picture.

28333 CHRISTOPHER Ln

Los Altos Hills, CA 94022
$3,700,000

 

BEDS:	4
BATHS:	4.5
SQ. FT.:	5,229
$/SQ. FT.:	$708
LOT SIZE:	1.18 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE:	Detached Single Family
STORIES:	2
VIEW:	Mountains
YEAR BUILT:	1990
COMMUNITY:	Los Altos Hills
COUNTY:	Santa Clara
MLS#:	81052994
SOURCE:	MLSListings
STATUS:	Active
ON REDFIN:	173 days

Resort Living – pool, spa, cabanna, sauna, rock stream, beautiful views of hills. Two large master bedroom suites with fireplaces, blt-ins, walk-in closets and balconies. 4 bedrooms, plus office and library with step-down wet-bar. Open floor plan with public rooms seamlessly flowing into one another, high ceilings, sweeping circular staircase. Ideal home to showcase art collection. PA Schools

 

 

Please welcome sfbubblebuyer back to the front page with one of our favorite Burbed memes: Mawbul Kawlums!  The only real shame about today’s house is how incredibly tiny the pictures are, although there are more on the virtual tour.

Please give sfbb your best Real Bay Area Welcome as today’s Guest Blogger!

30 FOX HILL Rd, Woodside, CA 94062
$4,750,000

BEDS: 5
BATHS: 4.5
SQ. FT.: 5,300
$/SQ. FT.: $896
LOT SIZE: 6.47 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Colonial
STORIES: 3
VIEW: Bay
YEAR BUILT: 1988
COMMUNITY: Skywood Area
COUNTY: San Mateo
MLS#: 81117642
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 17 days

Absolutely gorgeous traditional style 5 bed/4.5 bath home with Bay and city views. This very charming custom home has been featured in many magazines. Warm fir floors, tall multi-paned windows, fine molding details and a wonderful floor plan are some of the many features of this exceptional home. The property is set on 6.47 acres and is minutes from Woodside town center.

Check it out! DOUBLE DECKER COLUMNS! Clearly this is a house of style and sophistication. Surely you can imagine having a ‘coming out’ party for your debutante daughter at this glorious estate! She could pull an ‘upper decker’ and wave to guests from the second story balcony flanked by not two, but FOUR glorious columns, with another four below her to hold her aloft on her princess pedestal!

The listing agent also has taste and discretion by omitting pictures of the kitchen. Only the help see the kitchen. We’d rather not sully ourselves by crossing over a thresh-hold into an area where manual labor might be in progress! And note the profusion of windows to keep those lazy maids at work! Maybe you could hire one of the local urchins to smudge the windows for you to make sure the maids never have a moment to spare! Idle hands are the devil’s playthings and all that.

Speaking of idle hands, you won’t have to worry about yours being idle as you laze around your pool ordering the butlers to march back and forth between the house and your chaise refreshing your lemonade and Southern Comfort. It really is amazing how hard you have to work to keep the household humming along. In fact, you better send the chauffeur out to pick up some more brandy. The Chesterwicks are coming over for a couple of rubbers of bridge tonight. It’s a pity you can’t get them interested in a PROPER card game like whist. Ah well, such is the life of the landed gentry in America.

Here’s a find from Burbed reader nomadic, who keeps unearthing all sorts of delights in Los Gatos.  Thanks very much!

15681 KENNEDY Rd, Los Gatos, CA 95032
$7,495,000

BEDS: 7
BATHS: 12.5
SQ. FT.: 12,405
$/SQ. FT.: $604
LOT SIZE: 3.58 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: French
STORIES: 3
VIEW: Mountains
YEAR BUILT: 1991
COMMUNITY: Los Gatos/Monte Sereno
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81037550
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 263 days

Everything you ever dreamed of is right here in this magnificent French Chateau Estate. Main house 9,000sf, 6 complete suites, gold leafed fireplace, music room, library, wine cellar. Guest house is 3,500sf with guest suite, caterer’s kitchen, ballroom, theater, game room, onyx bar. Infinity pool, impressive portico, band and dance area many more special features. Incredible estate.

Here’s what nomadic had to say about this house:

Do you suppose this house comes with the band, and requires you to board all of the guests seated around the table? I guess for $7.5M you should get live-in entertainment included.

We already had a house ready for a party back at the beginning of the year, but this may be the first time the photos featured a party actually in progress.  Do you think the guests will sue or are they Facebooking their friends to say “Did you see I made Redfin?”  Actually from the age of this crowd I should ask if they’re telexing their friends, that is if they can’t get the houseboy to run down to Western Union.

Another thing to ask is just what this agent was trying to accomplish with this particular selection of photos.  It’s not so much that they’re bad photo, they aren’t.  But there’s a sameness about them that seems curious in trying to sell a home of this type.

Also I refrained from breaking out the little red arrows, but we have some mawbul kawlums going on here, or at least kawnkrete.

Okay, I’ll say it.  Seven and a half megageorges for this house, and they can’t be bothered to photograph the inside?  Maybe they’re trying the exclusivity angle by restricting the view to qualified buyers only.  But I’ve seen enough people pretending they have money when the whole financial structure is cantilevered atop playing cards and toothpicks, or in the real estate world, Different Piles of Other Peoples’ Money.  The upside of leverage is the profit when home prices go up, and the downside, well, if you aren’t smart enough to work that out then you get what you deserve.

Maybe they didn’t show the inside because the FBs can’t afford to furnish the place.

Okay, that was a cheap shot, but Redfin didn’t have a link to any other pictures.  I did go over to Zillow, intending to get the missing listing prices, and they had inside pictures plus they link to the virtual tour.  In a way, I’m kind of sorry I found it.  Not only is this place overdecorated like a simulacrum of “rich people’s furnishings,” the audio track is pseudo-wealthy music, too: the goddamned Pachelbel’s Canon in D.

I hate Pachelbel’s Canon with a passion.  Maybe that’s why the house hasn’t sold in more than two years. (253 days on Redfin, my sackbutt.)

This house may not be on VH1’s I Love the 1680s, but it sure loves 2006.  I say it’s going to party like it’s 1999.

Here’s a find from Burbed reader, now promoted to Burbed Guest Editor, sonarrat.  However, sonarrat asked me to handle this one because of a particular feature set, and no, it is not the little gold star this house somehow has earned from Redfin.

107 S 19TH St, San Jose, CA 95116
$1,149,800

BEDS: 8
BATHS: 6
SQ. FT.: 4,400
$/SQ. FT.: $261
LOT SIZE: 10,500 Sq. Ft.
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Contemporary
STORIES: 2
VIEW: Mountains, Neighborhood
YEAR BUILT: 1999
COMMUNITY: Central San Jose
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81111392
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 30 days

Grand home, perfect for large family nearby Naglee Park Area of San Jose * 8bed/6bath with a office * 2 gourmet kitchens * 2master suites * guest quarter with 2bed/1bath/livingroom/walking closet * Marble floors * 3car garage * Huge parking lot for many cars, RV and boat * 12years young * remodeled through out the house 2years ago, just like new * Easy access to majors freeways, parks, and SJSU.

What makes a home grand?  Is it a 4400 square foot house in the middle of a bunch of hundred year old scrapers?  Is it having twice as many bedrooms or baths as a typical family needs, or even wants?  How about twice the kitchen or twice the master suites?

No, while these things may make the house ostentatiously oversized, only one feature allows a house to call itself grand, and I’m sure you remember what it is.

Dat’s right!  Mawbul kawlums!  But this house goes one better than that.  Not only is it a stucco box that found room for six a dem dings, it has marble floors, too!

This has got to be the first time I’ve seen a house with marble columns manage to look like a 1960s cracker box.
But hey, it’s got a huge parking lot for many cars, because the 3 car garage is obviously not enough.  (Wow, did the builder run out of money and not bother matching the garage doors?  Or is this some political commentary saying the Right has its eyes closed?)

I’m glad they included this shot of the parking lot, or I would have suspected they just paved the entire quarter acre lot to save money on pesky greenscaping.

Yeah.

Definitely what happened.  Can’t say there isn’t anything green out here.

Picnic table: definitely green.

So.  Let’s move on.  You can check out the two full kitchens yourself, I assure you they have the obligatory stainless and granite.  Instead, how about this listing history?

Yes!  Marble columns, flip,  AND foreclosure!  Isn’t that grand?  Let’s check with Zillow on those missing listing prices.

“Any time I roll anything out, my plan is the best one in the room and people are starting to realize that.Their plan is s**t and my plan is gold. Walk into my plan and you’re going to win, win, win.”

Burbed reader sfbubblebuyer returns to the front page with another terrific find, and best of all…  It’s not in Vallejo and no hookers were lathered in cooking oil in providing this contribution. 

So let’s give another nice, warm RBA welcome to sfbubblebuyer, today’s guest blogger!

If you’ve ever wanted to pretend to have an English accent and snub the commoner Americans, this is the house for you! It’s modeled after Hampton Court in Middlesex, England! Now that’s a sexy sounding shire!

125 NORTHGATE St, Woodside, CA 94062
$12,900,000

BEDS: 6
BATHS: 8
SQ. FT.: 16,900
$/SQ. FT.: $763
LOT SIZE: 2.87 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Tudor
STORIES: 3
VIEW: Bay
YEAR BUILT: 1934
COMMUNITY: Woodside Heights
COUNTY: San Mateo
MLS#: 81054806
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 141 days

The Buck Estate. Designed by noted architect Albert Farr, who modeled Buck after Hampton Court in Middlesex, England, a 16th century royal family residence. Brick & stucco cut stone, high Gothic arches, mullioned windows, slate roof, & bay views. Over 17,000 sq. ft. , ornate plaster details, beautiful rooms of original carved wood panelling. Truly rare & irreplaceable. Minutes from Atherton. 2.86 ac

You want columns?  Tough!  WE HAVE BUTTRESSES!  Columns are for the help. 

Specifically, the help in the kitchen.  That’s right, this house is so awesome, it sends the columns to the kitchen to help hold up the cabinets.

You have to be an arch to get any play in THIS building!  And not any old arch!  Our arches are RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE! 

And as if that were not enough to get your trousers tight and your checkbook hot, we have GROIN VAULTS! (Seriously, this is called out in the listing on the virtual tour.)

And not just one, MULTIPLE GROIN VAULTS!

This house is a veritable REAL ESTATE ORGY! It’s turn key, and bowl-for-guest-keys, ready. But send the help to sleep in the carriage house, because things are gonna get funky in here tonight! Did I mention it’s in WOODside! Rowr!

Thanks very much to Burbed reader nomadic for finding this fascinating property that is today’s featured house. 

956 TERRA BELLA Ave, San Jose, CA 95125
$2,475,000

BEDS: 5
BATHS: 4
SQ. FT.: 5,000
$/SQ. FT.: $495
LOT SIZE: 0.36 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Detached Single Family
STYLE: Tudor
STORIES: 2
VIEW: Neighborhood
YEAR BUILT: 2001
COMMUNITY: Willow Glen
COUNTY: Santa Clara
MLS#: 81103858
SOURCE: MLSListings
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 59 days

Custom Tudor estate close to downtown Willow Glen restaurants and shops! Formal entry has 28’ceilings, red oak hardwood floors, dramatic chandelier, formal spiral staircase. Formal dining/living rooms with wet bar over sized fireplace. Epicurean granite kitchen has top quality appliances. Expansive 2,000sf game room and 7 tandem car garage. Backyard with granite outdoor kitchen! And SO much more!

Here’s what nomadic had to say about this house:

I was checking out the most expensive houses in Willow Glen, wondering "who in their right mind would spend $2.5M to live there?"  Then I found this house.  This house has a seven car tandem garage.  It is two cars wide.  Check out the satellite view.  A house perfect for the car collector who doesn’t like to enjoy their cars and just keeps them in the garage all of the time.

Okay, check out the satellite view we shall!

Looks like the garage is the same size as the entire house.  Somebody had their priorities straight.  And I must say, a seven car tandem garage is pretty amusing, especially because the agent called it a “7 tandem car garage.”  Plus it’s got granite, both inside and outside, so you can have that bubbly mid-oughties feel.  But there’s a bonus in today’s feature, one I am very excited about.  I am so delighted because I get to break out the red arrows again!

Look, everyone, it’s the return of the MAWBUL KAWLUM.  Even in this master bedroom picture, there are all kinds of KAWLUM-like objects.

And the rooms that spared themselves KAWLUMnosity are almost as silly.  Like the dining room where the swag matches the built-in cabinets and the picture frame.

Or the wine cellar.  Nothing says grapes aged to perfection like halogen track lighting and both walls and ceiling painted to match Campbell’s Cream of Tomato Soup.

And what is that in the backyard at the right rear?  Looks like the covered wagon was left in place, to remind them of their pioneer roots. And they value their history so deeply they’d leave that hayseed dispenser on the grounds despite destroying the entire house and erecting this neo-Tudor with a bunch of fourdoors in the tandem garage.  There’s just the littlest hint of that 7 car garage in the upper left, showing how far they’ve come from horse-drawn farm vehicles.

Update: nomadic found the link to the virtual tour, so enjoy the 7 tandem car garage!

And a “bunus” picture FTW:

Hope everyone enjoyed yesterday’s Vallejo field trip, because we’re returning to the first California city to declare bankruptcy!  Despite managing to stay current on its bond debt, any place of comedy gold such as homeowners pouring cooking oil on their fences to repel excess prostitutes has to have real estate worthy of the Burbed treatment.

And fortunately for you, Burbed reader sfbubblebuyer has found just the place.  You are going to love this one.

745 Georgia St, Vallejo, CA 94590
$769,999

BEDS: 7
BATHS: 2.5
SQ. FT.: 3,382
$/SQ. FT.: $228
LOT SIZE: 6,500 Sq. Ft.
TYPE: Detached
STYLE: Victorian
STORIES: 2
YEAR BUILT: 1908
COMMUNITY: Vallejo Heights
COUNTY: Solano
MLS#: 40148113
SOURCE: EBRD
STATUS: Pending
ON REDFIN: 222 days

Located in the heart of Vallejo, this 3382 sq. ft home has 7 bedrooms and 2.5 baths in the Heritage Area of downtown. Extra rooms downstairs can serve as study and/or work rooms. Recently renovated, this home has hardwood floors. Escrow#502-7525 in Placer Title Vallejo

Here’s what sfbubblebuyer has to say about this house:

$770k to live in Vallejo.  Still within walking distance of the hookers.  It sold for 766, then foreclosed for under 300k.  Then bought for even less, now flipped back on the market for more than the peak pricing.
W…T…F…

Walking distance of the hookers?  That’s not a bug, that’s a feature!  Can you say… bordello?  Come on, this place has 7 bedrooms, plus extra rooms downstairs that can definitely serve as study and/or work rooms.  The property history came from BAREIS, wink wink nudge nudge.  The agent all but spells it out: this home has hardwood floors.

Just imagine all the work you could get done in this one featured room alone, at left! Century-old brickwork ensures nobody leaves without payment in full.

Now look at this location, location, location for a high-traffic business!

Convenient to Highway 29, on a corner for easy access, plus you can put in a discrete exit for your high-powered clients.

See the lucky guy in the mirror on the left?  Bet he didn’t know about the home’s built-in videocam system, clearly the inspiration for Vallejo’s plans to deal with aggressive street business.  So not only will the city’s police efforts drive traffic to your (closed) doors, you can generate a second line of income by selling souvenir photos!  Your clients will be delighted to pay premium rates for exclusive copies, too!

Don’t let a little thing like this place going pending after 222 days stop you!  Obviously it’s not really in contract, since the listing history isn’t updated.  That’s just a marketing trick to make you get more excited, wondering how firm the other offer really is.  You need to batter down the agent’s door and make your best overbid so you can start doing Vallejo business now!