It’s been a while since we had a realtards thread.  But today’s Not So Professional Agent isn’t being given the Burbed Loving Hug of Attention for his brilliant listing copy.  Thanks very much to Burbed reader J from Alameda for alerting us to this story.

Sonoma Co. real estate agent held in fatal hit-run

Henry K. Lee, San Francisco Chronicle | Updated 7:52 am, Saturday, March 2, 2013

Photo from KTVU, no credit specified

(03-02) 07:49 PST SANTA ROSA — A Santa Rosa man turned himself in Friday in connection with a fatal hit-and-run crash that killed a pedestrian, police said.

Steven Harry Heath, 60, was arrested on suspicion of vehicular manslaughter and felony hit-and-run in the crash Wednesday that killed 64-year-old George Michael Black of Pacifica, Santa Rosa police said.

Black was walking on the 4600 block of Montgomery Drive shortly after 1 p.m. Wednesday when he was hit by a car that fled the scene, police said. Black died at the scene.

On Friday, a Santa Rosa law firm contacted police on behalf of Heath, who works as a real estate agent. Heath’s attorney told officers that the vehicle from the crash would be found at Heath’s home, authorities said.

Let’s review.  Real estate “professional” in a Mercedes S550 hits a pedestrian in broad daylight, and flees the scene. Unlucky stroller who had traveled to Santa Rosa to attend a healing program is pronounced dead seven minutes later.  #1 Agent in Sonoma the last 3 years running then requests his lawyer contact police two entire days later to say they’ll find what they’re looking for at the hit-and-run driver’s house. Why two whole days? We’re going to make an educated guess that it was long enough for all possible alcohol in someone’s bloodstream to dissipate.

Perhaps you think we’re being cynical.  Well, the readership of sfgate.com is far more so, as several commenters hypothesized that Heath had his attorney transfer his assets to the law firm. We think that’s nonsensical speculation, and that he asked the law firm to transfer his wealth to some deserving relative outside the United States.  Heath, we note, is British and probably has relatives in non-US locales.

Here is just one of those assets: his house on 5562 Pepperwood Road. None of the real estate portals have any specific information on the house other than the lot size (11,246 sf) because they aren’t in the public recorder’s office search results either (yes, we checked).

We are now opening the floor to discuss whatever you’d like about those wonderful real estate professionals in your life, or about anyone who would leave the scene and lawyer up when the right thing to do was fucking call 911 because you just ran your fucking 6,000 pound vehicle into some innocent party’s 175 pound body.  We usually don’t pick on realtards by name, but we’re going to make a giant-ass exception in this case because.

Oh yeah, and this is an Open Thread. It’s March! Time for some Spring Bounce! Let us know how many Mercedes S-class vehicles you see parked at Open Houses!

It’s time for the weekend, so let’s end the workweek with one more whomp of Housing Win.  Burbed reader Tom Paine has a serious case of Whisky Tango Foxtrot for you to Foxtrot off with.

2150 big ridge Rd
Healdsburg, CA 95448
$925,000

0 Beds
1 Baths
— Sq. Ft.
Built: —
Lot Size: 80 Acres
On Redfin: 472 days
Status: Active
Property Type: Residential, Detached, Single Family
Stories: 1
County: Sonoma
Style: Other
Community: Healdsburg
MLS#: 21126715

NET ZERO – OFF THE GRID This 80 acres of pristine land with the ultimate view across Dry Creek Valley. This stunning virgin land awaits for the building of your ideal home with several buildling sites. A unique 1200 sq ft living structure with a 680 sq ft bedroom / mezanne.

When he sent this in, Tom observed:

It has a Mezanne! wHiCH Is LikE, waaaAY COOL!

Too bad it doesn’t have a bedroom.  Are we supposed to sleep on one of the buildling sites instead?  The mezanne doesn’t look comfortable.

You can’t fool us.  This house is actually a giant-ass aluminum toaster.  Too bad it’s off the grid.

It’s Friday!  Time to start planning your weekend adventure, and Burbed reader Tom Paine gives us a getaway pad in Guerneville!  Thanks very much for this hair-raising habitat!

11175 HWY 116 DR
GUERNEVILLE, CA 95446
$349,950 Price Change

2 Bed 
1 Bath 
1,480 SqFt 
Single Family Home
MLS# 21226926 
Active
Original Price:  $399,950
Price Change: 12.50%
Listing Type:  Residential
Style: Cabin
County: Sonoma
Bedrooms: 2
Total Baths: 1
Full Baths: 1
Garage: 2 spaces
Year Built: 1921
Listed: 12/04/12
Location
County: Sonoma
City: Guerneville
Cross Street: Mays Canyon Rd

Description
Custom cabin in the woods, 4.2 acres, two bedroom, one bath, big basement, year round spring, surrounded by fur and redwood trees, three fireplaces.

This property, alas, is no longer for sale and went Pending/Do Not Show a couple weeks ago.  But this was really because everyone had to see those fur trees and now they’re endangered. That also must explain why they dare not include a photo, and in that case our link is to a cached search result because we weren’t finding this fox anywhere.  They also don’t show the house because the walls must be mink-lined.

Fortunately, we found this actual listing photo under a rock or in someone’s raccoon trenchcoat or it fell off a truck or something.  Don’t ask how we get results, just enjoy them.  And imagine year round spring and the cuddliest trees ever. 

And for your Web 3.0 business out in the woods?  We’re thinking chinch ranch.  (It’s at 9:20)

So here’s the DEAL, the DEALS, yes we still have DEALS for you. Black Friday Deals are back!

We’re scouring the Bay Area for the cheapest houses out there! Today we’re taking a good look at Sonoma County, to find the absolutely, positively cheapest, least expensive, smallest asking price house for sale.

71 1st St
Camp Meeker, CA 95419
$100,000

2 Beds
2 Baths
1,040 Sq. Ft.
$96 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1920
Lot Size: 1,307 Sq. Ft.
On Redfin: 13 days
Status: Active
Property Type: Residential, Detached, Single Family
Community: Sebastopol
MLS#: 21226308
Stories: 1
County: Sonoma

2 bed 2 bath house

The good news: This house is barely sporting a six-digit pricetag!  Plus the agent took more than one photo!

The bad news: Is that moss growing on the roof?

The interior photography is intriguing.  It appears this agent is doing whatever is possible to not include a single square inch of the floor in any shot, which means most of them tend to show ceiling.

Lots and lots of ceiling.  This view of the kitchen only shows a little, but for this vintage stove, plus the solo wall-mount cabinet unit, along with the distressed treatment of the door, we could not resist.

And you could not resist this price. Sure, the house has a FAR of 0.796, but what do you want for just one homeowner spending unit?

We’ve been spending too much time in Santa Clara County, which means we’re forgetting about the other eight counties in the Bay Area.  So let’s head north for today’s front-page feature.  Thanks very much to Burbed reader Tom Paine for this deep subject.

4291 Gravenstein Highway S
Sebastopol, CA 95472

Listed for $535,800 on 2/1/12
Several price cuts, to $315K on 10/19
Sold for $310,000 on 11/8/12

BANK OWNED
1 Story Detached
3 bedrooms
2 bathrooms
2,535 sq ft
3.45 acres
13 years old
15 Photos
Style: Ranch
Lot Size: 3.45 ac
Mortgage Payment: $1,114/mo
Taxes –
Year Built: 1999
Subdivision: Sebastopol
Stories: 1
MLS #21202510
WalkScore™:18

Nice piece of property on 3.4 acres. Cash only buyers. No financing. Serious defects include well contamination, rotted foundation and extensive wood rot.

Here’s why Tom thought this nowhere-near-the-Real Bay Area estate deserved to be all tarted up on Burbed:

Think of enjoying the beautiful views in the morning, sipping that cup of extra flavorful coffee and smelling the sweet scent of rot. And you get that special REO deed that doesn’t guarantee title as a bonus!

Can’t imagine why this didn’t sell faster.  Nothing is more authentically Marin than extensive wood rot.  But you get all this prestige at a Sonoma County price (complete with a Sonoma County address)!

This is also one of those listings we had to play Where’s Waldo with, because it didn’t show up on Redfin or several others.  Plus it had different listing copy with fewer but blurrier photos on Zillow:

4291 Gravenstein Hwy S
Sebastopol, CA 95472
Not for Sale

Zestimate $392,863
Rent Zestimate $2,458/mo
Est. Mortgage $1,371/mo

Beds: 3
Baths: 2
Sqft: 2,535
Lot: 150,282 sq ft / 3.45 acres
Type: Single Family
Year built: 1999
Fireplace: Yes
County: Sonoma
Legal description: MAP D5 151
Parcel #: 062240030
Per floor sqft: 2,535
Total rooms: 7
# Stories: 1.0
Unit cnt: 1
Zillow Home ID: 15806148

Excellent country estate on over 3.4 acres. Home features tile entry, large living area with fireplace & fish tank, granite counter tops & island in kitchen, oversized master bedroom w/sitting area. Outside kitchen with built-in BBQ. Fantastic views of pastures, hills and seasonal creek. Pre qual with BOFA required on all offers. Cash buyers are subject to Deed restriction.

Bunus: Check out the listing history!

And if we’re showing such waaaaaay out of the RBAaaaaaa listings again, that must mean we’ve heard from Burbed reader Tom Paine!  Thanks very much for sending in these properties that are of zero interest to anyone working at Google.

5636 Mcfarlane Rd
Sebastopol, CA 95472
$395,000

2 Beds
2 Baths
1,232 Sq. Ft.
$321 / Sq. Ft.
Built: 1947
Lot Size: 2.72 Acres
On Redfin: 9 days
Property Type: Residential, Detached, Single Family
Stories: 1
County: Sonoma
Style: Ranch
Community: Sebastopol
MLS#: 21222490

Contractor Fixer on close to 3 acres at the end of a private lane. 2 bedroom , 2 Bath, 1300 sq ft home on Sunny, level, gorgeous park like setting that includes fruit trees, mature oaks and a lovely pond. Nice Large clean 2 car Garage that can also be used as a workshop, additional outbuildings and plenty of room for gardening complete this private serene location. Septic and well reports on file. New 1/2 HP submersible pump. Do not miss this.

Here’s what Tom had to say about this yallar thang.

The Lovely Pond…

Is on the neighbors property.There’s a mudhole on this one. Carpets smell like something wild peed on them, the ceilings are 6’6″ and if there is any part of this house that was ever up to code it’s the rain gutters. It’s actually a nice 2 acres and change, but the house is a teardown.

Plenty more to check out in the pictures.  Lots and lots of pictures.  And not a single one of them inside.

Hope everyone had a very happy 4^th  of July.  Now that we’ve declared our Independence, let’s get back to looking at some housing win.  Today’s entry is from Burbed reader Tom Paine, to which we say, thank you very much for this superb structure in Sebastopol.

Sebastopol, in case you’re checking, was not, is not, and never will be part of the Real Bay Area.  However, the market is so hot, hot, HOT… even this place is pending.

8680 Bodega Hwy
Sebastopol, CA 95472
$62,200

BEDS:  1
BATHS:  1
SQ. FT.:  625
$/SQ. FT.:  $100
LOT SIZE:  5,663 Sq. Ft.
PROPERTY TYPE: Residential, Detached, Single Family
STYLE: Bungalow
STORIES: 1
YEAR BUILT:  1953
COMMUNITY:  Sebastopol
COUNTY:  Sonoma
MLS#:  21211920
SOURCE:  BAREIS
STATUS: Contingent (Show)
ON REDFIN:  51 days

This property is not buildable. The septic system needs to be replaced and the property is too small for the County of Sonoma to allow that. There is no well. County will NOT allow this property to be refurbished. Land only.

Here’s what Tom had to say about this lucky listing:

You can’t build on it and you can’t get a permit to fix it because there’s no room for a septic system. Soooo $65k for .130 acres with a structure that needs to be demolished because it is an attractive nuisance. On floodplain. Who could pass this one up!

The real question is, which one of the neighboring property owners snapped this up?  Because there isn’t a good reason to buy this if you don’t own the lot adjoining it, is there?  Maybe our readers can solve this mystery!

Let’s head up north again, where Burbed reader Tom Paine has another catastrophic cottage in Cotati!  Actually this may be the first property of any type in Cotati ever featured on Burbed.  And if you object that Cotati is awfully far for a daily commute to Google, Apple, or Facebook you’d be right.  But if you’ve been working at one of those firms long enough, you could buy this place for cash and spend your day redecorating.

751 Richardson Ln
Cotati, CA  94931
$599,900

BEDS:  4
BATHS:  2.5
SQ. FT.:  2,553
$/SQ. FT.:  $235
LOT SIZE:  1.12 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Residential, Detached, Single Family
STYLE: Custom, Ranch, Spanish/Mediterranean
STORIES: 1
VIEW: Pasture
YEAR BUILT:  1974
COMMUNITY:  Cotati/Rohnert Park
COUNTY:  Sonoma
MLS#:  21213213
SOURCE:  BAREIS
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN:  25 days

New to market. This wonderful Custom ranch style home with dual pane windows & sliders. Nice cheery kitchen leads to the Family and Living rooms with wood burning stove & Fireplace. All bedrooms are large with Character from the Harley Davidson room to the Coca Cola room to a Mickey mouse bathroom this home exudes fun and charm. Huge Master bedroom and bath with air jetted tub overlooks backyard. Detached 2 car garage and HUGE RV Carport. .

Here’s why Tom wanted to bring this listing to your attention:

OOH, a mickey mouse room! And a Coca Cola Room! And a Harley Davidson room! Where’s the PT Barnum room?

The kitchen may be cheery, but the bedrooms are large with Character.  Plus a view of a pasture.  Country living doesn’t get much better than this.

Tired of high prices in Palo Alto and its environs?  Don’t lower your standards, broaden them! After all, with the return of the housing bubble, you can pay high prices all over the Bay Area!  And some sellers think you’ll be willing to pay high prices at the very edges of the Bay Area.  You’ll know housing insanity has returned when you see a house like this one for a price this, um, dreamy.

Many thanks to Burbed reader Tom Paine for passing along this super spread in Sebastopol!

2881 Scotts Right Of Way
Sebastopol, CA 95472
$898,500

BEDS: 3
BATHS: 3
SQ. FT.: 2,567
$/SQ. FT.: $350
LOT SIZE: 1.82 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Residential, Detached, Single Family
STYLE: Ranch
STORIES: 1
VIEW: Golf Course, Greenbelt, Vineyard
YEAR BUILT: 1974
COMMUNITY: Sebastopol
COUNTY: Sonoma
MLS#: 21101823
SOURCE: BAREIS
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 488 days

Unique property on almost 2.0 Acres. The home is located over looking the Sebastopol Golf Course to the South and grapes to the North. Horse facility for at least 5 horses, tack room, paddocks, stalls, and more. The backyard is landscaped and includes a beautiful pool and spa with a waterfall. Private driveway.

Listed almost a year and a half ago for $998,500 and still on the market after a $100K reduction! Maybe it hasn’t sold yet because the right buyer hasn’t toured the house yet.  The kind of person who buys a house like this probably is cross-shopping Palo Alto.  The driveway (above) is just like what you get in fine Palo Alto houses, as is the excellent living room.

And just look at the kitchen!  Ready for your gourmet recipes, yum, yum, yum.  Then when you’re all cleaned up after dinner, well, lights out!

Plus a really memorable street name, if by “memorable” we actually mean “wow, that is incredibly stupid.”

Many thanks to Burbed reader Tom Paine for this superb spread in Sebastopol.  This listing proves the old adage that any house that wins a major architectural award will be selling quickly.  That’s not to lock in a high price in confirmation of its awesomeness.  That’s because award-winning houses usually aren’t very livable.

1160 Pleasant Hill Rd
Sebastopol, CA 95472
$2,200,000

BEDS: 5
BATHS: 4
SQ. FT.: 3,750
$/SQ. FT.: $587
LOT SIZE: 5.28 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Residential, Detached, Single Family
STYLE: Contemporary, Modern/Hi-Tech
STORIES: 1
VIEW: Hills, Orchard, Ridge, Valley, Vineyard
YEAR BUILT: 2006
COMMUNITY: Sebastopol
COUNTY: Sonoma
MLS#: 21210997
SOURCE: BAREIS
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 16 days

Architecturally Organic. Spectacular Dwell Cover home. Winning an AIA award in 2006, being in numerous publications and magazines, one will quickly realize what a truly special property this is. 4br/3ba main house, 1br/1ba legal second unit, radiant heat, solar heated salt water pool, pinot vineyard, lavender field, 100yr old apple orchard, certified organic property. Concrete and glass structures with woodwork from old red wine barrels.

Here’s why Tom Paine sent this property in:

The fireplace is huge, at least 8 feet across with lots of soot stains and a motorized spit that looks perfect for roasting any neighborhood kids you caught on the lawn two at a time. It’s colder than an ex wife’s smile. It won awards, probably for the imaginative use of straight lines which combine to form squares and rectangles. Whoever this was built for was happy with it and I don’t want to meet them in a sunny alley let alone a dark one.

When we hear the word “Dwell,” our word association response is always Unhappy Hipsters.  After seeing this property, it’s going to be “Unhappy Hipsters with organic red wine barrels.”

Or maybe “bunker in a vineyard.”  Seriously, What. The. Fuck.  Because when we hear the word “Sebastopol” our usual associations are more like “Gravenstein apples” or “meth lab” or “killer weed, dude.”  But not “100 tons of poured concrete.”

And definitely not “Please enter the Launch Key Sequence after confirming with your superior officer that the Authorization Codes have been verified with NORAD.”

But first, let’s pick a hundred bushels of apples and then we’re going to stomp on today’s pinot harvest in old red wine barrels.

Wash your feet before running through the lavender field.

Hoe. Lee. Crap.  Even the backyard patio looks as menacing as possible.  The two yellow chairs are going to double-team anyone who sits in a white one or turns their back.

Have you ever seen a property listing before that contains the words “concrete and glass structures” but also uses “organic” twice?  This is just too easy.  Did some of these listings came straight from The Onion?