May 25, 2012

One will quickly realize what a truly special property this is

Many thanks to Burbed reader Tom Paine for this superb spread in Sebastopol.  This listing proves the old adage that any house that wins a major architectural award will be selling quickly.  That’s not to lock in a high price in confirmation of its awesomeness.  That’s because award-winning houses usually aren’t very livable.

1160 Pleasant Hill Rd
Sebastopol, CA 95472
$2,200,000

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BEDS: 5
BATHS: 4
SQ. FT.: 3,750
$/SQ. FT.: $587
LOT SIZE: 5.28 Acres
PROPERTY TYPE: Residential, Detached, Single Family
STYLE: Contemporary, Modern/Hi-Tech
STORIES: 1
VIEW: Hills, Orchard, Ridge, Valley, Vineyard
YEAR BUILT: 2006
COMMUNITY: Sebastopol
COUNTY: Sonoma
MLS#: 21210997
SOURCE: BAREIS
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 16 days

Architecturally Organic. Spectacular Dwell Cover home. Winning an AIA award in 2006, being in numerous publications and magazines, one will quickly realize what a truly special property this is. 4br/3ba main house, 1br/1ba legal second unit, radiant heat, solar heated salt water pool, pinot vineyard, lavender field, 100yr old apple orchard, certified organic property. Concrete and glass structures with woodwork from old red wine barrels.

120523-pleasant-indoorsHere’s why Tom Paine sent this property in:

The fireplace is huge, at least 8 feet across with lots of soot stains and a motorized spit that looks perfect for roasting any neighborhood kids you caught on the lawn two at a time. It’s colder than an ex wife’s smile. It won awards, probably for the imaginative use of straight lines which combine to form squares and rectangles. Whoever this was built for was happy 120523-pleasant-poolwith it and I don’t want to meet them in a sunny alley let alone a dark one.

When we hear the word “Dwell,” our word association response is always Unhappy Hipsters.  After seeing this property, it’s going to be “Unhappy Hipsters with organic red wine barrels.”

Or maybe “bunker in a vineyard.”  Seriously, What. The. Fuck.  Because when we hear the word “Sebastopol” our usual associations are more like “Gravenstein apples” or “meth lab” or “killer weed, dude.”  But not “100 tons of poured concrete.”

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And definitely not “Please enter the Launch Key Sequence after confirming with your superior officer that the Authorization Codes have been verified with NORAD.”

But first, let’s pick a hundred bushels of apples and then we’re going to stomp on today’s pinot harvest in old red wine barrels.

Wash your feet before running through the lavender field.

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Hoe. Lee. Crap.  Even the backyard patio looks as menacing as possible.  The two yellow chairs are going to double-team anyone who sits in a white one or turns their back.

Have you ever seen a property listing before that contains the words “concrete and glass structures” but also uses “organic” twice?  This is just too easy.  Did some of these listings came straight from The Onion?

Comments (20) -- Posted by: madhaus @ 5:02 am






July 7, 2011

Photopalooza

Many thanks to Burbed reader Petsmart Groomer for this record-breaking listing.

2451 Larkin St, San Francisco, CA 94109
$3,249,000

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BEDS: 5
BATHS: 4.5
SQ. FT.: 4,590
$/SQ. FT.: $708
LOT SIZE: –
PROPERTY TYPE: Single-Family Home
STYLE: Contemporary, Modern/High Tech
VIEW: Panoramic, City Lights, Bay, Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco, Garden/Greenbelt, Forest
YEAR BUILT: 1906
COMMUNITY: Russian Hill
COUNTY: San Francisco
MLS#: 384261
SOURCE: San Francisco MLS
STATUS: Active
ON REDFIN: 58 days

Boasting approx. 4,590 square feet, this amazing remodeled home offers breathtaking full span Golden Gate Bridge views & stunning views of the Bay, Palace of Fine Arts, Marin Headlands, & the City. 5BR, 4.5BA, foyer, gorgeous staircase, living room with fireplace, dining room, eat-in gourmet kitchen, family rm, upper view living rm, wet bar, work rm, 2 laundry rms, huge walk-out view terrace, w-out patio, excellent storage, garden, security system, Siedle intercom system, large 2 car garage with interior access, wired for CAT 5, wired for sound in many rms w/ 5 zones of B & W speakers, hi ceilings, hardwood floors, skylights, double paned windows, secondary staircase, + a legal unit. On a prime flat tree-lined blk in prestigious Russian Hill.

imageOne of the recurring complaints we’ve had with listings here are those with no or very few photos.  If you want us to plunk down not a lot of money for a house, we’d like to know it’s worth our while to spend the time to visit it.

No problem here! This 100+ year-old house not only will cost you a lot of money, even by RBA standards, but nobody is going to complain there aren’t enough pictures, either.  Even if two of the first three aren’t of the house at all but some stupid bridge that isn’t included.

Yes, you read that right.  82 pictures.  Which one is your personal favorite?  It’s hard to choose, but here are a few that helped today’s listing earn its wtf tag. Yet many of them are so perfectly suited to this Dwell parody site that the captions practically write themselves.

 

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That poorly-socialized chair once again blocked the harmonic flow between the golden glazed pottery and the wood stove.

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Japanese elements such as rice paper and red pine could not disguise the fact that this was still a jail cell.

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Okay, now you try it!  Or you can pick any picture number from the listing and provide your caption!

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This last one is thrown in to note that you can spend over three million dollars for this place and not get a single square foot of actual land included.

Comments (22) -- Posted by: madhaus @ 5:09 am